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Open Poetry #23
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Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

0 posted 2002-12-07 12:20 PM


Burnt wings
folded neatly
behind a broken back
Remnants of
distant days
when the fate of
Icarus
was not her own
Her Dark eyes
speak of
innocence stolen
and Kingdoms lost
Weighted by
the gravity of
afflictions she
should never have
borne
They cloak
her infinite beauty
in shrouds of
shadow and doubt
May love
find and mend
the wounds that
keep an angel
grounded too long


(all apologies, the muses frown upon me tonight)

A little aside: I changed the title a couple of times last night, originally it was Dark Angel but I didn't want Maree to think i was coming on to her so it's gone through about 4 or 5 changes since. how's that for obsessive compulsiveness?! lol

[This message has been edited by Aenimal (12-07-2002 01:14 PM).]

© Copyright 2002 raphael giuffrida - All Rights Reserved
Pilgrimage
Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945
Texas, USA
1 posted 2002-12-07 12:13 PM


This is beautiful. The language, the form, the image, the emotion. Quite beautiful.

Nan (Pilgrim variety)

Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
2 posted 2002-12-07 12:15 PM


Wish the muses would frown on me the same way.
Mistletoe Angel
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
3 posted 2002-12-07 01:04 PM




(big hugggsssssss) And your lovely muse shines upon us all here, sweet Raphael, youn speak with such compassion in these words and I wish too for the robin to make amends and for all wings to be healed and mended! (sigh) God Bless You, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Raphael, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350
the ass-end of space
4 posted 2002-12-07 01:11 PM


First of all for those who berated me for putting myself down in another post I wrote this BEFORE the John post so please don't mention the muses quote! I know i'm working on it.

Pilgramage thank you for such kind words

Midnite I read you're work often, they're always smiling on you

Noah! Thank you haven't seen you in a few days, hope all is well. Thanks for the kind words!

Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095

5 posted 2002-12-07 03:38 PM


What an excellent write Raphael.. I almost missed it, glad I didnt

enjoyed

Maree.

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350
the ass-end of space
6 posted 2002-12-07 05:15 PM


Glad you didn't too, glad you liked it. thanks Maree


raph

MARK V SHELDON
Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 3015
In a corporeal internship...
7 posted 2002-12-07 09:57 PM


Raph:  ah yes...  those dark eyes which hold lifetimes of secrets and sorrows...  This poem makes me picture something between a Batman cel and a scene from Xena or Hercules...  Somber, but moving...

-MVS

"AS ABOVE SO BELOW"

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350
the ass-end of space
8 posted 2002-12-08 04:28 AM


MARK S. Van Morrison's Brown Eyed girl comes to mind..I'll always love dark hair anddark eyes..sigh When you say a batman cell do you meen the FOX batman or the WB batman? I prefer the FOX, much more moody lol :P

[This message has been edited by Aenimal (12-08-2002 04:28 AM).]

MARK V SHELDON
Member Elite
since 2001-06-21
Posts 3015
In a corporeal internship...
9 posted 2002-12-08 09:58 AM


...actually, more like a Dark Knight cel -- definitely dark and somber...

-MVS

"AS ABOVE SO BELOW"

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 1999-07-07
Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla
10 posted 2002-12-08 10:18 AM


Aenimal
What ever the title, the message is here.
Enjoyed

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215
Realms of Light
11 posted 2002-12-08 10:23 AM


Raph, you're a thinker, you're a lover,
You're a carer, you're a writer!

Wonderful piece of writing!

EA

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350
the ass-end of space
12 posted 2002-12-08 11:57 AM


Mark I gotta say I like your style, Frank Miller with the lightning in the background lol

Thank you Seymour then i may change it again

EA, you just made me day Thaaaaaaaanks

Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
13 posted 2002-12-08 07:42 PM


I'm glad I caught this too. No offense to other poets, but I think this is the best poem I've read in a little while here. Since you have your critique box checked, I want to suggest that you consider breaking up the poem a bit - into sections. This not only allows for a "nicer" presentation visually, but also aids in the read by separating thoughts / scenes into sections.

I like the title you ended with. Not only fitting, but it sounds better on the tongue than just Dark Angel (no offense M )

Christopher

Ethan Halo
Senior Member
since 2000-04-28
Posts 793
on the roof again
14 posted 2002-12-08 09:31 PM


"look to the sky, ready to fly-
         even say a little pray'r.
wings are black, halo's cracked-
         prob'ly never make it there"

ya reminded me of me for a lil bit....

reminded me of another quote:

"when angels fly too close to ground,
a crash is where their journey's bound."

this made me wanna go look for a vacant rooftop and sit and watch.

it's our struggle for identity that leaves us all unknown

garysgirl
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Laureate
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237
Florida, USA
15 posted 2002-12-08 11:23 PM


This is a very good poem, Raph. Very well-written.

"Love makes the world go around"
~~with love and hugs from Ethel~~
                  

gheber
Junior Member
since 2002-12-04
Posts 23
Milwaukee, WI
16 posted 2002-12-09 12:23 PM


Stunningly beautiful expression of pain, sadness, and finally hope. I stand in awe of your first line...

"Burnt wings
folded neatly
behind a broken back"

Maybe, someday, I will have evolved into a  writer seasoned enough to write something as powerful as this.

When we are unable to find tranquility within ourselves, it is useless to seek it elsewhere.
       -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-11-18
Posts 7350
the ass-end of space
17 posted 2002-12-09 12:43 PM


Wow Christopher thanks for the high praise!!
No offense taken nobody responded to Dark Angel so I played with it. Also I'd thought of breaking up the poem but assumed it would look awkward as some thoughts were longer than others. Maybe i'll give it an overhaul tommorow.   thanks for the comments and the advice I like to read other people's thoughts.

THank you Ethan I'm glad you enjoyed it but if you're going on a rooftop anywhere near here, bring a parka!

Thank you Ethel i always appreciate your replies

Gheber I'm not seasoned writer, I've only been at it for a few eeks I just got lucky. That line was in my head and I just worked hard to write the rest around it. Welcome to PIP

[This message has been edited by Aenimal (12-09-2002 12:44 AM).]

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