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Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

0 posted 2002-12-01 04:33 AM

To clear my head I oft would roam
Within a wood not far from home
One day by chance on such a walk
I came upon a lonely rock

Alone it lay, there in between
The ancient rows of evergreen
From whence it came I cannot say
solitary, cold and grey

I wondered how it came to find
itself amongst the trees confined
A lonely isle within a wood
an exiled stone, misunderstood?

Upon his back I took repose
and high above in trees arose
the song of birds within the air
a sweet release from idle cares

I visited him oft that spring
to listen to the bluebirds sing
There we lay and passed the hours
by trees adorned in budding flowers

Serenity beneath the leaves
that danced upon a gentle breeze
Upon the rock my soul did pour
The lonely rock alone no more

At last the answer to my question
the rock lay here, an intercession
From darkened thoughts I find release
in forest of Elysian peace

(Rhyming is not my forte but I thought I'd give it a try again(I didn't like my Orpheus/Eurydice attempt)I thought it needed a more classical poetic approach. I hope you enjoy and remember I welcome all critiques openly)

[This message has been edited by Aenimal (12-01-2002 04:34 AM).]

Rick
Member Elite

since 2001-06-21

Posts 2903
Victoria, Australia

1 posted 2002-12-01 08:03 AM

I enjoyed how your words seemed to dance on the page, I liked the story and the truth you gave of solitude with self, I believe you could be one hek of a poet and look forward to reading more of your work.

Sincerely
Rick

MARK V SHELDON
Member Elite

since 2001-06-21

Posts 3015
In a corporeal internship...

2 posted 2002-12-01 07:33 PM

No need to rationalize here -- this is written very well. All 3 bases were covered in my book: content, cadence, and rhyme. Well done & back to the top for another go-round!

-MVS

"AS ABOVE SO BELOW"

Mistletoe Angel

Member Empyrean

since 2000-12-17

Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon

3 posted 2002-12-01 07:40 PM

(smiles) Are you kidding, I loved that last approach you made, just as this one is awesome too! (big hugggssssss) You have the classical blood of a poet laureate in you, sweet friend, I believe you have such great potential, God Bless You, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Raphael, thank you for sharing!

May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

4 posted 2002-12-01 07:44 PM

I tip my halo to you for this one, dear Raph!
I enjoyed the concept, content, and cadence--totally captivating!

EA

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

5 posted 2002-12-01 10:47 PM

Raph, I love the way you wrote this poem. In fact, like the
others, I like all parts of it.....the content, the rhyme.
Poetry with a rhyme are my favorites.

"Love makes the world go around"
~~with love and hugs from Ethel~~

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

6 posted 2002-12-01 10:52 PM

Wow thanks Rick that's nice of you to say

many thanks Mark glad you enjoyed it.

Thanks Noah angel of the boundless praises..

Thanks EA nice halo I got to get me one of them.

thanks garysgirl maybe i'll try my hand at rhyming a little more

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

7 posted 2002-12-02 05:21 AM

this is perfect I think...very good work!

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

8 posted 2002-12-02 05:26 AM

A truly wonderful piece. I only wish my poetry could flow and rhyme as well while still conveying a real meaning. Nicely done.

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

9 posted 2002-12-02 05:37 AM

Raphael,
I liked the way you took the rock's perspective.
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

10 posted 2002-12-02 11:22 AM

Thanks passing but i highly doubt its perfect! Glad you like it though

Many thanks smoothy i'm sure your poems do.

Kethry I hate to say this but other than calling the rock lonely I never took its perspective...hope you still like it though

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

11 posted 2002-12-02 03:25 PM

I still like like it, to see the loneliness of the rock because it is displaced shows great perception.
Kethry

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

12 posted 2002-12-02 04:05 PM

Thank you kethry that was my goal, as if the rock and I were there for mutual purposes.

Salty
Senior Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 669
Texas

13 posted 2002-12-02 04:58 PM

note for note.....you did an excellent job.

Never missed a beat and told a lovely story to boot.

~Salty

In the Midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.
--Deepak Chop

Aenimal
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-18

Posts 7350
the ass-end of space

14 posted 2002-12-02 11:06 PM

Thank you very much salty i'm glad you enjoyed the tale

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