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cognitive capacity
| Open Poetry #23 |
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cognitive capacity |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298
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her eyes are too bright and too clear to suggest cognitive capacity, like looking into the still of water’s reflection the slightest disturbance ripples throughout her features in the doorway between here and not yet gone she’s stuck she says hanging onto the doorframe claiming that the strength that got her there will now not permit her to go one step more she’s stuck, she says and she is because she believes it to be true |
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| © Copyright 2002 jellybeans - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Contabo Member
since 2001-11-21
Posts 159 |
JB, My second read on this forum after 2 years of seclusion and I see a bright new world here. Ummm....you make it difficult for me to read another......even myself. Now I must scour the archives for more of you. Thank you. Contabo |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
her eyes are too bright and too clear // really like the repetition of too. to suggest cognitive capacity, // starting this line with "to" is tiresome after the earlier double, perhaps re-work it? like looking into // unecessary as far as I see, somehow combine this and the next line the still of water’s reflection the slightest disturbance ripples throughout her features // the last three lines are really cool, but i wonder about why they each need their own line. in the doorway between here and not yet gone // these two lines are frillin great. she’s stuck she says hanging onto the doorframe claiming that the strength that got her there will now not permit her to go one step more she’s stuck, she says and she is because she believes it to be true //perhaps at the end try: because she believes it is true. this allows it to be read 2 different ways which give it a bit more meaning. of course it is all suggestions. take it easy. btw: love the pic  |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
Does that mean if I could change her mind, she'd get her rear in gear? LOL Or how about a great big push? *S* I love the title of this, lady, and the poem... just wish so much I could push you right into the path of happiness. *S* |
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jellybeans Member Elite
since 2000-10-13
Posts 2298 |
contabo, thank you so much for time and comments manju, thank you for your critique, will look it over and see what I might change suthern, well lady...sigh, wish this were 'me' and wish your foot could reach thsi far  |
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