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Open Poetry #23
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Connel
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736
Florida, USA

0 posted 2002-11-04 03:27 PM


I've been hurt,
I cant Denny.
It's all because,
that damn canine.

I seen a black dog,
I call him spike.
He ran to me,
and picked up my kite.

I patted his head,
but he didn't like that.
he began to growl,
but it was because of a cat.

He took off,
digging with each paw.
When he would run,
you could see his claws.

The cat hissed,
the dog would growl.
Then spike stopped,
and gave out a long howl.

Spike fell,
and could not get up.
Just as if,
he was a young pup.

I ran to him,
he began to cry.
I began to think,
that he might die.

My parents seen me,
but I stood there,
watching the dog.
because my parents wouldn't care.

I rushed home,
and I was about to go outside,
when my father said,
"You cant hide!"

My father grabbed his belt,
and whipped my butt.
I cried,
because of the cuts.

I sat there crying,
I didn't mean to cry.
My parents left that dog,
out they're to die.


I wrote this poem when i was about,....... Well, I was young!... But you can tell...

© Copyright 2002 Chris DeVore - All Rights Reserved
serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

1 posted 2002-11-04 04:41 PM


Okay sweets...since you were moanin' about everybody just LIKING your poems--told ya, don't let the name serenity fool ya--but go ahead and flag the critique message...it's in your member's area/help (don't quote me on that)

but I think you need some help on basic meter here. Where's the Balladeer here?

I wish I knew how to explain the rhythms in my head. But HE helped alot. Somehow that means nothing, to YOU and everything...to ME.

wait...lemme try...as HE explained to me. You get better flow in a fluid syllable count. Try that first. Play with this a bit.

[This message has been edited by serenity blaze (11-04-2002 04:42 PM).]

Connel
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2002-11-04
Posts 736
Florida, USA
2 posted 2002-11-04 06:32 PM


Dude, i told you that i wrote this poem a very long time ago, and im not going to mess with it.. ( Memories, me and my ex girlfriend )It is kinda dumb because we were little.. the only reason i posted it is so,.. Well, i dont know why i posted it.... But this is an oldy..
Mistletoe Angel
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Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
3 posted 2002-11-04 11:23 PM




(big huggssssssss) Oh Chris, I believe any poem that is sincere and straight from the heart is an authentic poem and this is streaming with such emotion I admire! (sigh) This is excellent, sweet friend, this also comes to show how you've been talented from the start, I love it, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Chris, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

garysgirl
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Member Laureate
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237
Florida, USA
4 posted 2002-11-05 01:37 AM


Chris, I could feel the emotion you were feeling
when you wrote this poem. I don't know how old you were,
but I think you did a good job of showing your feelings.
Thanks for sharing it with us.

Love makes the world go 'round (unkown)
with love and hugs from Ethel
                  

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