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Open Poetry #23
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Streetlamp
| Open Poetry #23 |
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Streetlamp |
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JediRaver Junior Member
since 2002-08-16
Posts 23ATL, GA, USA |
Here I am Walking down my neighborhood street alone under streetlamps Beacons of hope in a night of unknowns On my face...I feel breezes blown from the beams of moonrivers flowing in a hundred hushed voices In the distance she sat hunched over on the curb head in her little hands wearing the clothes of shadow enveloping her closely revealing to me her solace and her doubts became the night turned cold where streetlamps spaced apart are like the foreign touch of distant stars that you want to hold and wish to visit... but nothing more than forlorn hope She cannot feel its light shine through so I keep walking to her as the streetstar keeps on glowing but she doesn't move and the light only shows scattered fragmaents of her features cool creamy skin, red lips, lost pools of yearning in her eyes... I see her shed a solitary tear. From the depths of darkness I approached and sat with her together but still so strangely alone we were those stars we watched in the night sky Under night of dismay, and disconnection this streetlamp our ray of light that holds us close and gives us hope we dreamed And softly, slowly she looked up and I took her hand and dried her tear Expressing appologies in silence It ends right where it began and here we were under a streetlamp. -Jedi |
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| © Copyright 2002 Ryan Flanagan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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the_loner_23 Member Ascendant
since 2002-06-08
Posts 5479Jacksonville, Florida, USA |
I love the expression of feeling in this poem.  Cold hands means a warm heart |
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JediRaver Junior Member
since 2002-08-16
Posts 23ATL, GA, USA |
replies and comments would be appreciated... -thanx |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
You seem to have a way of creating a scene with a poem. I love it. "two hearts will build the foundation for one point of light |
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garysgirl  
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Jedi, you really have a way with words!!! This is beautiful. Thanks for sharing. Love To All, Ethel |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Ryan, I think this is excellent writing. You are very good at creating a setting that makes an impression on the mind and you mix the emotions and melancholy into it expertly. Since you do ask for critiques, my only problem with it was the mixing of tenses. The bouncing around between present and past tenses was unsettling to me...for ex: I see her shed a solitary tear. From the depths of darkness I approached and sat with her together It ends right where it began and here we were Otherwise I think it is a piece of work to be proud of  |
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