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RSWells
Member Elite

since 2001-06-17

Posts 2533

0 posted 2002-10-22 05:42 PM

Since Adam slipped it's up to us to fall
so rancor and vendetta we employ,
where now is He who blind the errant Saul?

Acerbity's innate, man's distant call,
first fauna then the flora we'll destroy,
since Adam slipped it's up to us to fall

Civility is cast to dogs, we brawl
engorged in power swinishly we cloy,
where now is He who blind the errant Saul?

We're feral scions, clan neanderthal
and neighbors are the favorite whipping boy,
since Adam slipped it's up to us to fall

We still think one can rule earth uber alle
unlearn'd in the wrack of Rome and Troy,
where now is He who blind the errant Saul?

Invidious our fists impose our gall
and ravage pacifism as killjoy,
since Adam slipped it's up to us to fall,
where now is He who blind the errant Saul?

[This message has been edited by RSWells (10-23-2002 12:46 AM).]

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2002-10-22 05:47 PM

wonderful use of form to pose an impactful question that serves as your statement.

Where now, indeed?

sigh...

A beautiful piece of work here, Richard...it's a meal for the mind.

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-10-22 05:59 PM

Expertly done. Your critique message made me furrow my brow, however...

But for the sake of spite, I'm just going to give you a bit of meter advice... in iambic, starting lines with one-syllable nouns like "orbs" or "eyes" is rather poor form, as it suggests the reader should unstress them... it's hard to unstress a noun that begins a sentence, such as those two. When reading those lines, I had to remind myself of the meter to avoid being tripped up, and I'm sure I'm not alone.

Otherwise, you've done a terrific job. You've selected a brilliant theme and developed it with some very powerful vocabulary.

Great work.

Parasite

Learn to place poetry before people
Before you place your poetry before the people.
~Andrey Kneller

Sandpiper
Senior Member

since 2002-06-15

Posts 738
land of flora and fauna

3 posted 2002-10-22 08:10 PM

A painful truth, powerfully written!

regards2you
Member Elite

since 2002-10-01

Posts 3940
California

4 posted 2002-10-22 09:53 PM

You are an amazing poet. I so enjoy your poems, least those of which I can understand.

90 percent, not bad.

Just as soon as I can go build a mountain, or create a few galaxies, or make rain, maybe I'll have an answer to this riddle. Trusting is indeed, for me, hard to do...but, that I must.
I know there has to be a missing chapter or two....

and if anyone will find them, no doubt it'll be you....

( or make them up!) said with a big smile.

always enjoy your poems, and I'll be pondering this awhile. That is good.

Thank you so much for sharing your talent with us.

Warmly,
Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
"Desiderata"

RSWells
Member Elite

since 2001-06-17

Posts 2533

5 posted 2002-10-23 12:51 PM

Thank you all for your encouragement. Brian, I see you are new to me and my modest offerings. Please don't be put off by my glib notice regarding comments. I checked you out and see you are a serious and sincere young man. I'm not obsitnate. I changed the last two lines and only ask the reader to step lively on the last iamb.

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