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PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

0 posted 2002-10-21 03:30 AM

This boy...
this boy, he doesn't understand
If you come near,
you can feel the weight of his confusion.
He stands, he stands, he stands,
yet his feet don't hit the ground.
Floating through the wind,
battered by his enemy all day long.
He searches and searches,
yet never looks in, inward to himself.
An enemy at the gates, gates he opens
full wide.
Do you trust a fool? Then why trust me?
The enemy is within, and all I do is look up.

Note: does the poem suck? Is it decent? What would you do the improve it? Too short, too random? Let me know, please, I desire to improve.

[This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (10-21-2002 03:35 AM).]

Christopher

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-02

Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration

1 posted 2002-10-21 05:05 AM

Titus, a poem, like any good piece of writing, is only as long as it needs to be. One of my favorite poems ever reproduced on this board was only four lines long ( /pip/Forum28/HTML/000007.html

As to your poem - Since you asked and seem to want real feedback, I'll venture two things: 1) it's decent, with some good potential. 2) Post it in Critical Analysis, you'll get some great feedback to help you grow.

Peace,

C

[This message has been edited by Christopher (10-21-2002 05:06 AM).]

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

2 posted 2002-10-21 05:21 AM

Thank you, Christopher. I enjoyed the recomendation (an amazing poem), and the response from you. I tried earlier to post it in CA... no... *thinks* ... I tried the Poetic Workshop, and wasn't allowed in, lol. I'll poke around for the CA. Should've tried that in the first place.

How far along is the book?

Sincerely,
Titus

"My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems."

(2002 Copyright)

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

3 posted 2002-10-21 11:19 AM

it is interesting.

one thing to note is that repeated phrases in poetry ought to mean something different each time you say them (unless of course its a refrain).

i did not see three different ways to think about he stands that work with the poem.

the last metaphor used, enemy at the gates, is extremely cliche. try to stay away from such things.

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

4 posted 2002-10-21 11:26 AM

Daniel, I don't think that I'm qualified to be a critique to your poem. So, maybe I shouldn't say anything at all. I do want to say that I thank you for sharing your poem with us. Good luck in your efforts.
Love To All,
Ethel...garysgirl

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light

5 posted 2002-10-21 12:50 PM

May I say that I am of the same mind as Christopher and that Critical Analysis is where you need to post those poems for which you would like more indepth responses to your work.

May I say "ditto" to garysgirl's reply--and thank you for sharing your words with us!

EA

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