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Passions in Poetry

Wait By The Window

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regards2you
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since 10-01-2002
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0 posted 10-20-2002 09:54 AM       View Profile for regards2you   Email regards2you   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for regards2you



She stands forlorn,
against curtain edge
looking plaintively out
at passing traffic,

unconsciously fingering,
coins in pocket,
wandering thoughts,
hope unfulfilled.

Time not still
face once sunlite,
now shadowed and
she begins to cry:


"The ice cream truck
passed me by."


..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

[This message has been edited by regards2you (10-20-2002 11:17 AM).]

© Copyright 2002 Patricia L.Thompson - All Rights Reserved
SmartChick
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since 09-23-2001
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On A Journey To The Unknown


1 posted 10-20-2002 09:59 AM       View Profile for SmartChick   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit SmartChick's Home Page   View IP for SmartChick

Awwww! It's a good thing there are grocery stores you can go to.
Sandpiper
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since 06-15-2002
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land of flora and fauna


2 posted 10-20-2002 10:03 AM       View Profile for Sandpiper   Email Sandpiper   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sandpiper

A tragedy to be sure!
NewEnglandlazurlu
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since 01-04-2002
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A Mountain Paradise


3 posted 10-20-2002 10:04 AM       View Profile for NewEnglandlazurlu   Email NewEnglandlazurlu   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for NewEnglandlazurlu

LOL!!!  Darn, I hate when that happens!!

This is precious and certainly not the ending I expected. I love poems like this.

Hugs, Marti

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

regards2you
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since 10-01-2002
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4 posted 10-20-2002 10:04 AM       View Profile for regards2you   Email regards2you   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for regards2you

SmartChick,

True, except she is four years old and cannot walk to any store by herself.
Not even allowed to stand alone at
curb. Poor, poor baby!
  

Thanks Marti, that was what I intended with this poem...so glad it worked!

Pat  




..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"


  

[This message has been edited by regards2you (10-20-2002 10:12 AM).]

Sunshine
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Listening to every heart


5 posted 10-20-2002 10:19 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


Pat, you encourage critiques, so I have just a little one...

You went from third person to first person in your poem...all I would suggest is that in the last stanza, you change "me" to "her" and in that way...the full gist of your poem will probably be just the way you want it.

I think.

And I too, saw the little girl in wait....
regards2you
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since 10-01-2002
Posts 4192
California


6 posted 10-20-2002 10:28 AM       View Profile for regards2you   Email regards2you   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for regards2you

Thanks Sunshine     I added missing punctuation, instead. Glad you could "see" the little girl.


Thank You,
Pat  




..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

[This message has been edited by regards2you (10-20-2002 11:14 AM).]

Sunshine
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Listening to every heart


7 posted 10-20-2002 10:31 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


Yes, Pat, the punctuation now makes it MUCH better...

all the way around!     Thank you!
Seymour Tabin
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Tamarac Fla


8 posted 10-20-2002 11:48 AM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

regards2you
Cute, enjoyed the read.
Martie
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9 posted 10-20-2002 12:02 PM       View Profile for Martie   Email Martie   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Martie's Home Page   View IP for Martie

regards2you

I have been that little girl, and she has been mine.  Thank you for this sweet memory!
Auguste
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By the sea


10 posted 10-20-2002 01:16 PM       View Profile for Auguste   Email Auguste   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Auguste's Home Page   View IP for Auguste

awww...

LOL   Good one!

The stars will shine when I am gone,
the earth will turn on as before,
the gulls, still race along the shore,
the morning star, still kiss the dawn

Mistletoe Angel
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City of Roses


11 posted 10-20-2002 02:57 PM       View Profile for Mistletoe Angel   Email Mistletoe Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Mistletoe Angel's Home Page   View IP for Mistletoe Angel



(big huggsssssss) Oh Patricia, I know this feeling ever so well, I miss the ice cream truck so much too and wish like the little boy I was always run up happily to the truck and ask for chocolate popsicles! (sigh) I hope the truck stops by again real soon, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Patricia, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Ivy Rose
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12 posted 10-20-2002 06:44 PM       View Profile for Ivy Rose   Email Ivy Rose   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Ivy Rose

This brought back memories.  I remember hearing the music from the ice cream truck and how I would grab my change and run out to greet it. You painted a very powerful image in this poem.  ***Ivy Rose
garysgirl
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13 posted 10-20-2002 06:44 PM       View Profile for garysgirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit garysgirl's Home Page   View IP for garysgirl

Hey, girl.....I do believe that you accomplished what you were aiming to do. I could see the girl waiting patiently for the ice cream and then that old truck just passed her by!! Pat, this was very good. thanks for sharing.

Love To All,
Ethel
scorpio
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since 10-02-2002
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right...there


14 posted 10-20-2002 08:07 PM       View Profile for scorpio   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for scorpio

This poem took me back to my childhood...I remember listening for the ring of the icecream truck's bell...running to my mom for money...and standing on the curb...the ice cream truck rarely got pasted me by...

...believe what your heart feels...

passing shadows
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15 posted 11-05-2002 04:00 AM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

I'm not sure whether to smile or cry. This is sad to me. Guess it's my mood tonight.
regards2you
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since 10-01-2002
Posts 4192
California


16 posted 11-05-2002 12:28 PM       View Profile for regards2you   Email regards2you   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for regards2you

Dixie, thanks for bringing this back up. Your reply just makes me want to reassure you, life has not passed you by; the best is ALWAYS yet to come, in ways you cannot imagine. Be strong...

Warm Hugs
Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

Cpat Hair
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17 posted 11-13-2002 09:02 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

Pat,
  you encourage comments and obviously seemed interested in writing characters from your replies to my piece on playing pool..
I have a few thoughts for you on this that you may or may not find useful...
1. make this personal... by adding your part in the story or at least the tellers part in the story... for example;


I watched her
stand forlorn
against curtain edge,
looking plaintively out
at passing traffic,
unconsciously fingering
coins in pocket with
wandering thoughts and
hopes unfulfilled.

Time not still
paints her face,
once sunlite,
to shadow

and
she began to cry:

"The ice cream truck
passed me by."

(here I would suggest an action.... what does the teller do here to comfort or feel in his/her inability to comfort?)

EXAMPLE:

As I hushed her sobs
and brushed the tears
I remembered all the times
I too had been
passed by


Just my thoughts.... and certainly hope I have not offended...


regards2you
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since 10-01-2002
Posts 4192
California


18 posted 11-13-2002 09:59 AM       View Profile for regards2you   Email regards2you   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for regards2you



Offended? You are a blessing. This is exactly the kind of teaching that I crave in that the 'why' of it is explained. And, the: ~Please show me what you mean when you say that~, is included. When this happens, then I can fully understand the lesson, it opens my mind to something that flatout isn't in there, obviously, or I would have done it, and so it helps me to learn and utilize it (hopefully and in time) in this particular poem and others I attempt to create.

Thank you so much for taking your time to teach me. This is  invaluable.  

I almost feel guilty, for it was I who did not get the education, and spend the time to learn...no matter the reasons, it was my responsibility...

I appreciate you and a few others here who do take the time and energy to ~teach~ thoroughly. I have found anything less seems more like a criticism, (like from childhood, na,na, na-na-na, for me to know and for you to find out)  which is extremely negative to both parties.

I understand others can't include all the above which you did in their critique, but then, why bother to say anything, what does it gain? My poems will be a work in progress, I am afraid, for quite awhile....most likely I and others are aware they are not in good form or perfect, but we can't post all of them in CA...and, sometimes it is just the content of some of my poems that I want to "put out there"...  
Thank you so much.... it is so ~giving~ of you.. Sincerely, Pat
and, am sorry for being so long-winded but clearly this has been on my mind.
I will print out all you said .....
it is a goodie, like a gift. TY,smiling....

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

Cpat Hair
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19 posted 11-13-2002 10:16 AM       View Profile for Cpat Hair   Email Cpat Hair   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Cpat Hair

pat,
learning is not a matter of education... it is a matter of desire and drive to know more.

If you are going to rewrite this piece or edit it... you need to pay attention to the past tense voice used... I did not correct this in a couple fo places in my edit and you may need to play with it to make sure you are always speaking in only one... past present or future...

If you do rewrite and edit.... please repost so we can see what you came up with!

regards2you
Member Elite
since 10-01-2002
Posts 4192
California


20 posted 11-13-2002 11:25 AM       View Profile for regards2you   Email regards2you   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for regards2you



Cpat, Thanks for your answer Re: education....I need to be careful to not offend certain others here with my reply.

So, I'll only say it was desire and drive ~to know more~ that lead me to you, a poet whose work involves not only good character building and poetry writing skills, but heart and soul, (raw talent?),  which I personally need to see ~and feel~ in someone's writing in order to want to learn from them.

I believe we all see differently and that is okay, but, I have to go with what is in me, and work with it. I have to have a certain kind of respect, maybe awe, for a writer in order to want to learn from them.  

That probably is offensive to some, for they do have much to offer in their minds, but it doesn't work that way for me. I apologize to anyone if that attitude offends. I am sorry.
  
And, I honestly do not know if I have enough talent to move forward with character building...very new to me...
But, obviously, I am trying it anyway and that is why I approached you.

For me, it has to be more than technical skill, eventually. We'll see.

For the sake of all, cleaning up the -tenses- is using good English skills, something that gets put aside, for I do get involved with content, etc. I am happy it has been pointed out, like  brushing your teeth and hair, before you go out, so too, are using -tenses- correctly, important before a poem is right, and I do need to study them.

Thank you for that tip as well. If I rewrite, I'll definately post it.
For me now, it is practice, practice, practice.
  
Thank you for time spent. I hope I didn't offend you, or anyone with my comments....

Sincerely, Pat
  

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

quietlydying
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the wonderful land of oz


21 posted 11-13-2002 09:04 PM       View Profile for quietlydying   Email quietlydying   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for quietlydying

i love how you finally brought it all together in the very last two lines.

nicely done!!  

makes me want to because i'm a such a softy when it comes to kids.  but it was great.

not at all what i was expecting.  thank you very much.  

/jen/

what if they gave a war, and nobody came...

Connel
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22 posted 11-13-2002 09:06 PM       View Profile for Connel   Email Connel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Connel

Great post.. thank you for sharing..

I wish to become a great poet some day, but it will only come in time. Til then, I shall write my poems, and wait.

passing shadows
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since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


23 posted 05-16-2004 08:50 PM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

just needed the reminder
regards2you will be notified of replies
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