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Passions in Poetry

Fade Away

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SimplyGold
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since 07-10-2002
Posts 1459


0 posted 10-12-2002 12:41 AM       View Profile for SimplyGold   Email SimplyGold   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for SimplyGold

Fade Away

There is a white haze
  that lingers with each word I speak
The sound floats to the center of this cloud
  and momentarily fades away

There is a mist that falls from
  my eyes
It rests upon my cheek
  then makes it way south
The trail it leaves tickles my face
  but, I do not feel like laughing

My body curls up and folds onto itself
  hiding under the covers
Seeking comfort in the dark of my cocoon
  never to peek at the morning light
Even tender licks from my companions
  do not stir me to their morning walk

Bad writing, bad day
  It doesn't really matter anyway
They are just words and if they communicate
  who is anyone to say
Bad writing, bad day

There is that white haze
  that lingers again
The sound floats to the center of
  my gut
I momentarily fade away


C2002SimplyGold

© Copyright 2002 SimplyGold - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


1 posted 10-12-2002 08:45 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine


There is a lot of understanding in this poem, my girl...I would read some more...
SmartChick
Member Rara Avis
since 09-23-2001
Posts 7301
On A Journey To The Unknown


2 posted 10-12-2002 08:59 AM       View Profile for SmartChick   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit SmartChick's Home Page   View IP for SmartChick

I understand this. This is the way I feel alot of times.
Mistletoe Angel
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since 12-17-2000
Posts 34089
City of Roses


3 posted 10-12-2002 03:13 PM       View Profile for Mistletoe Angel   Email Mistletoe Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Mistletoe Angel's Home Page   View IP for Mistletoe Angel



(big hugggsssss) We all have days like this sweet friend, you are never alone and a good day will always follow each bad day! (sigh) This is wonderfully written, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Secret Whisper
Member
since 01-25-2001
Posts 306
Through the Looking Glass


4 posted 10-12-2002 05:39 PM       View Profile for Secret Whisper   Email Secret Whisper   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Secret Whisper

Wow I really liked this piece, and I say that in all sincerity. I especially loved the stanza "Bad writing, bad day...". I like the repetition of the white haze image, and the last few lines are capturing. My truest praise for this piece.

alice

"See, no one loves..." - Prayers for Rain

Robtm1965
Member
since 08-20-2002
Posts 246


5 posted 10-12-2002 05:53 PM       View Profile for Robtm1965   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Robtm1965

SG

I have no idea why I looked in Open tonight because normally I never read in here.

This is a well constructed poem and shows your talent much better than the one you posted in CA.  

I liked it!  I just have this nasty feeling that I might have contributed to your bad day - I really hope not, and anyway I hope today is better.

Regards

Rob
SimplyGold
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since 07-10-2002
Posts 1459


6 posted 10-12-2002 07:21 PM       View Profile for SimplyGold   Email SimplyGold   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SimplyGold

Rob,

Thanks for peeking in. I appreciate your comment and I'm glad you liked it. You definately inspired me and that is not a bad thing. I am able to play off of feelings and use it in a positive force. Actually, I find that many poems are written about feelings and self indulgence -- I do it myself.  I'm trying to consciously get away from that. I would much rather write about abservation and understanding. I'm working at it.

Again, thanks and I will plan on posting one from my collection for your critique. I value your honesty, how else will I improve?

Respectfully,
SG
SimplyGold
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since 07-10-2002
Posts 1459


7 posted 10-12-2002 09:44 PM       View Profile for SimplyGold   Email SimplyGold   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SimplyGold

Alice, Thank you for your kind words, appreciate it.

Smartchick-Thank goodness we do come out once in awhile or I would never have the chance to read your fine poetry.


Noah, Thank you sweet Noah.

Sunshine, thanks for your reply. What did you mean by "I would read some more"? Did you mean like read a better poem

Hugs to all

SG

Bill Charles
Member Patricius
since 07-11-2000
Posts 11011
highways, & byways, for now


8 posted 10-12-2002 10:00 PM       View Profile for Bill Charles   Email Bill Charles   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Bill Charles

SimplyGold - a poem of words told of feelings within. Says many things... Best to you...

BC
Earth Angel
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since 08-27-2002
Posts 40647
Realms of Light


9 posted 10-12-2002 10:20 PM       View Profile for Earth Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Earth Angel's Home Page   View IP for Earth Angel

SG~~~

Promise me that you will stay,
And never, ever fade away,
You are full of soul and heart,
I value all that you impart!!!

~ smiles and a great big hug! ~

EA


Robtm1965
Member
since 08-20-2002
Posts 246


10 posted 10-13-2002 07:46 AM       View Profile for Robtm1965   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Robtm1965

SG

You said:

“Actually, I find that many poems are written about feelings and self indulgence -- I do it myself. I'm trying to consciously get away from that. I would much rather write about observation and understanding. I'm working at it.”

This is music to my ears SG and I would be delighted to help if I can.

Rob
Magnus
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since 10-10-2001
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South Carolina, USA


11 posted 10-13-2002 12:30 PM       View Profile for Magnus   Email Magnus   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Magnus

Actually,  to help answer your question to
Sunshine...I believe that what she is saying
is that

She will take a second peek, or mayhaps
a third...gleaning yet more from the many
feels of this poem....

It says a ton!
SimplyGold
Senior Member
since 07-10-2002
Posts 1459


12 posted 10-13-2002 01:21 PM       View Profile for SimplyGold   Email SimplyGold   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SimplyGold

EA,

Thank you for the poetic reply and the senitment.
Love your Holloween poem. You alway make me laugh, you can be so twisted my dear >D
SG
SimplyGold
Senior Member
since 07-10-2002
Posts 1459


13 posted 10-13-2002 01:30 PM       View Profile for SimplyGold   Email SimplyGold   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SimplyGold

Magnus,

Thank you. I was teasing Sunshine, but I guess that didn't come across well.  How sweet of you, it does not surprise me however. You are true to your spirit which lights up every poem you write.


SG
SimplyGold
Senior Member
since 07-10-2002
Posts 1459


14 posted 10-13-2002 01:55 PM       View Profile for SimplyGold   Email SimplyGold   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SimplyGold

Bill,

Thank you for your comment. It prompted me to relook at it and it scared me to think that I had written it. This was just a low point and I was feeling vulnerable. As I have said to many before I say unto myself " and this too shall pass".

SG
Madame Chipmunk
Member Rara Avis
since 12-05-2001
Posts 8552
Michigan


15 posted 10-16-2002 12:26 AM       View Profile for Madame Chipmunk   Email Madame Chipmunk   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Madame Chipmunk's Home Page   View IP for Madame Chipmunk

Electra...
I love the texture of this piece and the angst which leaks from between the words...
I often have these same feelings... I think it must be part of being a poet.
You are a person who feels things very deeply
~ loving poetic hugs

Lyra

copyright2002 Lyra Nesius

"poetry is life distilled"  Gwendolyn Brooks

garysgirl
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Member Seraphic
since 09-29-2002
Posts 20064
Florida, USA


16 posted 10-16-2002 01:03 AM       View Profile for garysgirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit garysgirl's Home Page   View IP for garysgirl

SimplyGold, I loved this poem and the way that you showed your  "FEELINGS"  in the poem. I'd like to know, though, what did you ( and Rob) mean by the remark....."Actually, I find that many poems are written about feelings and self indulgence---I do it myself. I'm trying to consciously get away from that. I would much rather write about observation and understanding. I'm working at it".....One question..WHY?!?  I know that I'm not a professional poet, but to me the best poetry is written by people who FEEL  what they are writing about....whether it be about everyday life..the seasons..the American Flag...Love...Friends...Poet Meets..
Babies & Children....God....the weather...
sunsets, sunrises, the stars, and the moon...ANY  SUBJECT  WHATSOEVER!!!! I think they all should be written with a  PASSION  and with  FEELING. Just as you did this beautiful poem. Have I misunderstood what you were talking about? Just wondering. Please answer me because I'm willing to learn. I want to help people. Thank you for listening to me.
With Love To All,
Ethel....garysgirl
SimplyGold
Senior Member
since 07-10-2002
Posts 1459


17 posted 10-16-2002 06:44 PM       View Profile for SimplyGold   Email SimplyGold   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for SimplyGold

Dear Garygirl,

Thank you for your comments. Let me explain in context what I was talking about with Rob.
This was in response to a poem that I had posted for critique. I felt that in order to be a better writer that I needed to expand my craft as an observer of life so that I could hone in on my skills of observation. Yes, you are right poetry is about "feeling and feelings", it is about anything that effects the poet. Yes, I'm not a professional writer either and I am only looking to excercise my powers of observation outside of myself so that I can write at some given point with a fresh and original perspective. I would be very satisfied if I could see the beauty and the pain of other circumstances and be astute enough to put it on paper. In short, an excercise to be sure.

Does this make sense? In effect this whole dialogue started as a result of my putting a poem on the forum for critique. This is giving me another outlook as to my writing.
SG
Robtm1965
Member
since 08-20-2002
Posts 246


18 posted 10-17-2002 08:36 AM       View Profile for Robtm1965   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Robtm1965

Ethel

I must declare an interest in this!

First of all, you might like to check out this thread, which might clarify things:
http://piptalk.com/pip/Forum28/HTML/000295.html

Now then, you say:

“One question..WHY?!? I know that I'm not a professional poet, but to me the best poetry is written by people who FEEL what they are writing about....whether it be about everyday life..the seasons..the American Flag...Love...Friends...Poet Meets..
Babies & Children....God....the weather...
sunsets, sunrises, the stars, and the moon...ANY SUBJECT WHATSOEVER!!!! I think they all should be written with a PASSION and with FEELING.”

To which I would say Ethel that you need first of all to decide WHY you are writing.

Are you simply writing to express your feelings or as a release i.e. to get your feelings down on a piece of paper OR are you concerned as well to COMMUNICATE those feelings in a powerful way to other people.  An example:

My wife has just left me and I write:

“I was heartbroken when she left me
the pain in my soul pierced my very being
to the core and as I looked out up
to the stars I felt the loneliness
of someone bereft of love”

Fine, I have expressed my feelings.  Perhaps writing that has been an outlet for my grief, perhaps it satisfies me.  Perhaps I think I am a great and powerful poet.  But do those words do anything to convey what I really feel to a reader?

The answer is that the reader might empathize in two ways, either:

1 The reader will simply feel sorry for the poet as one human to another as he/she can see the poet is unhappy

or

2 The reader will empathise by projecting a similar experience (of being deserted) that he/she has had and feel sorrow probably for him or herself as well.  I.e. the poem has served simply as a reminder of similar circumstances experienced personally.

In neither case has the poem actually conveyed in a convincing or believable way the  emotions of the writer, and in neither case has the reader really be changed or moved by the poem or offered any new insights.  

Quite often readers confuse straightforward and understandable sorrow (or joy) engendered by hearing of a poet’s plight (or elation) with true appreciation of what “real” poetry can bring.

You ask may ask: Does this matter?

Well yes it does, because the same emotions can be raised by the following:


Dear Ethel,

I’m writing to tell you that my wife has left me.  I looked out on the stars last night and I felt such grief and emotion as my words can’t possibly convey.  Will this pain ever leave me do you think.  I feel lost.

With love

Rob


That would not generally be regarded as a poem.  It is a personal appeal to the tender human feelings in us.  I am not saying that poems do not appeal in that way as well, but poetry is (or can be) so much more.

So in a nutshell I am agreeing with you, poems can be about “feelings”, and certainly I believe a poet should always write what he or she believes to be true (that doesn’t of course preclude writing entirely fictional poems), but it’s HOW the poem is written that matters.

A powerful way to write is to try and convey feelings and emotions not by using vague and superficial phrases but in a straightforward and believable manner using images and scenes that the reader can relate to and that portray the state of mind of the writer (if that is what the poem is about) in such a way that the reader can see and feel it for him or herself.

So for instance I might have written instead:


That night, in my wicker chair, I stared out from the island marooned
in the moment she finally crashed
the oak door in my face.  The black water reflected
my thoughts and chisel-tips of starlight
seemed to slice into my bleary eyes.

Do you see how all of a sudden you can SEE the poet.  Instead of a faceless person simply setting down abstract words on a screen the writer becomes a PERSON, yet within the poem.  You may want to know more about why he is on an island, why she slammed the door etc - you become involved in the scene and thereby intimately involved in the poet’s emotions.

So yes!  Convey emotion, write about absolutely anything at all.  But writing a poem is all about CAUSING the reader to experience emotion about something.  Writing in which the writer only elaborates upon the emotion he or she is feeling at a particular time is unlikely to do this.

Regards

Rob
regards2you
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since 10-01-2002
Posts 4192
California


19 posted 10-17-2002 10:14 AM       View Profile for regards2you   Email regards2you   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for regards2you

I, too, often have these feelings, and I am glad you created this poem. I also want to address Rob, and thank him for taking his valuable time to thoroughly explain to the novice what is meant by observation and understanding.

Rob,

Cannot thank you enough. My clueless, sponge brain sucked up this final information you so kindly gave to the novice poet and quenched my thirst for knowledge of the exact lesson you gave here.

Don't know how well I can implement it but, this is a prayer answered.

Unforntunately, some of us don't have enough time left to go back to school,
and put in the years it might take to learn this very simple, yet seemingly difficult, rule of writing poetry.

I thank you for selflessly taking the time and completely answering Ethel's query, giving us this gift of knowledge.

With Warm Regards,
Pat

..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons..
        "Desiderata"

Robtm1965
Member
since 08-20-2002
Posts 246


20 posted 10-17-2002 01:18 PM       View Profile for Robtm1965   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Robtm1965

You're very welcome Pat, and ty for the kind comments.

Rob
garysgirl
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since 09-29-2002
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Florida, USA


21 posted 10-18-2002 12:05 AM       View Profile for garysgirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit garysgirl's Home Page   View IP for garysgirl

Rob, I want to thank you so much for the lesson you gave me here. I, like Pat, am trying to let my brain soak up all this knowledge you have put forth. I hope it's okay for me to print this reply, because I know I will have to go back to read and study it over and over again....MANY  times, probably. I apologize for not seeing this reply before now. I also want to thank SimplyGold for the reply, too.

Love To All,
Ethel

Rob, I went back to the other thread you put in the reply . Now, I understand what you were trying to do. Forgive me for speaking out without first knowing what I was speaking out about. Thanks.
Ethel

[This message has been edited by garysgirl (10-18-2002 12:08 AM).]

Robtm1965
Member
since 08-20-2002
Posts 246


22 posted 10-18-2002 03:34 AM       View Profile for Robtm1965   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Robtm1965

Ethel

It was great of you to go back and read.  Of course it's totally alright for you to print it out.  It's an honor to have someone listen to me!

Thank you

Rob
passing shadows
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since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


23 posted 05-03-2004 04:28 AM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

I think it's good
 
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