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Passions in Poetry

untitled(please read and name)

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Deep_Inside
Member
since 02-14-2002
Posts 377
i can't stop hiding


0 posted 09-19-2003 01:27 PM       View Profile for Deep_Inside   Email Deep_Inside   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Deep_Inside


I just canít stay happy
My depressing take me
Out of the happiness
The past is all my mind will see

I drown myself in nothingness
I find a hole in witch I may hide
But no matter how far I go
These thoughts will be at my side

I have hone a lot of things
That witch I should be proud
But why must I pick these few
At the representative out of the crowd

I am a happy person
I tell my self till I weep
This is something so true to me
There is nothing else I believe so deep

I just canít get over it
That my life is full of despair
I donít want to accept
Memories of happiness arenít really there

I stay on the road
Witch is where I think of life
I just have to stay here
Until my vocabulary losses the word strife

when you live you begin to die
when you die memories of you life lives in others
when memories of you begin to fade
you truly begin to die

© Copyright 2003 Matt - All Rights Reserved
WinterWren
Senior Member
since 12-01-2002
Posts 1044
...Coming to


1 posted 09-19-2003 03:32 PM       View Profile for WinterWren   Email WinterWren   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WinterWren's Home Page   View IP for WinterWren

Very good poem, it needs some grammar editing though.
I especially loved the 2nd stanza.
Maybe you could call it, "can't hide." Or something that has to do with waiting?
Once again, well done.

WinterWren
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jaime
Unregistered


...Coming to


2 posted 09-20-2003 01:12 AM       Edit/Delete Message     View IP for Jaime

Good depiction of feeling depressed. There were some things that distracted me though from the message. Misspellings, perhaps typos, words that seem like they should be something else and minor things like that. It might help if you read your poem out loud after you write it. That way you can tell how smooth it is and where you might want to change things. Just a suggestion. As for titles, well, I'm terrible at naming my own poetry so you're on your own there.

jaime.

the faeries creep into my hair at night leaving it in terrible knots

 
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