How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Teen Poetry #6 Archive
 He's Back
 1 2 3 4
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

He's Back

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Dean
Member
since 11-23-1999
Posts 124
Canada


0 posted 09-10-2003 10:59 PM       View Profile for Dean   Email Dean   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Dean

I live to prove people wrong,
Ive spent a  long time gone.
Now is my turn to shine up in the light,
Im going to show the world how I fight.

I have spent many days wasting and smouldering away,
but Ive learned and grown to make something of the day.
So all the people can just stand there and wait,
and keep good eye on the golden gate.

Ha ha is that you begging on your knees  now,
who is the one that looks really silly now.
Whos that strung up hanging  paralysed,
guess what its you, and now youll be internalized.

Hell is on the horizon so you betting be abiding,
dont slip or you just might be dieing.
The wind is stirring and heat is rising to the top
Bang, bang and then pop, pop.

James Dean ;)

© Copyright 2003 James Dean - All Rights Reserved
chasing rain
Senior Member
since 05-15-2001
Posts 1281
Canada


1 posted 09-10-2003 11:12 PM       View Profile for chasing rain   Email chasing rain   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for chasing rain

Dean:

Liked the tone you wrote this one in. It was light-hearted, but somewhat spiteful; not the usual you would get out of other poems. Thanks for that!

Something you might want to watch out for: double-rhyming. When you're writing in couplets, try not to rhyme the same words right after another. For example-

Ha ha is that you begging on your knees  now,
who is the one that looks really silly now.

It makes the reader stop to think abruptly because of the strong feeling of dj vu. This stopping wrecks what flow there was, and we'd like to avoid that as much as possible.

In any case, I think you did a good job here. Keep up the writing!

-Leah  
Dean
Member
since 11-23-1999
Posts 124
Canada


2 posted 09-11-2003 12:30 AM       View Profile for Dean   Email Dean   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dean

Thanx alot Leah.

[This message has been edited by Dean (09-11-2003 12:31 AM).]

Match
Member
since 07-01-2002
Posts 287
Canada Edmonton


3 posted 09-13-2003 03:58 PM       View Profile for Match   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Match

Well James I enjoyed this, It reminded me of a song I used to know. Very good

I wear my crown of thorns
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Lexy
Senior Member
since 01-28-2003
Posts 1049
California


4 posted 09-14-2003 10:38 PM       View Profile for Lexy   Email Lexy   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Lexy

interesting style. It just flowed, I couldn't stop reading. This was rather uplifting in a way. very positive...great write.
~Lex
 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Teen Poetry #6 >> He's Back Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors