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Teen Poetry #6

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Toasty
Member

since 2003-06-09

Posts 74
my little hole in wisconsin

0 posted 2003-09-08 06:05 PM

thirsting for something
that isn't there
wanting for once
to really care

no passion for life
no yearning to give
no urge to fight
no reason to live

"Nothing is so strong as gentleness; Nothing so gentle as real strength." -Francis de Sales.

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

1 posted 2003-09-08 06:10 PM

Toasty:

This piece was relatively well done : short, but not too short.

It's also straight-forward, though you speak in riddles.

The flow at the beginning, however, made it weak. The flow in the second stanza, however, was much better. Perhaps you can add a few syllables to the first stanza to make it stronger?

Other than that, you did a fine job.

-Leah

Toasty
Member

since 2003-06-09

Posts 74
my little hole in wisconsin

2 posted 2003-09-09 05:41 PM

Thanks for reading. As it is, I'm just happy to get this out. I've had writer's block forever, and this is the first half-decent thing I've come up with. Nonetheless, thanks.

~toasty

"Nothing is so strong as gentleness; Nothing so gentle as real strength." -Francis de Sales.

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