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Teen Poetry #6
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Obsolete
Junior Member
since 2003-06-27
Posts 43


0 posted 2003-08-21 11:58 AM



At the grocery store you shopped,
money for only the necessities
Each aisle labeled,
their respective products they carry
You stop between two aisles,
examining the contents of each
The first is where I reside,
the sugar needed to complete the cake
On the second is the salt,
an ingredient you chose last time
The same ingredient,
that ruined your recipe


With little thought,
you pickup the salt...

[This message has been edited by Obsolete (08-21-2003 02:23 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 Obsolete - All Rights Reserved
BabieDoll
Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 268
BFE
1 posted 2003-08-21 12:50 PM


Extremely good metaphorical poem, Obsolete. Only one suggestion from me with the very last 2 lines...I think that it would be better if you seperated the last 2 lines from the rest of the poem. At first you're talking about the choices and the mistakes he made before, then you jump right into the decision...I think a break would be good. But that's only my opinion. GREAT write!

~J.Lynn

"In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..."

Obsolete
Junior Member
since 2003-06-27
Posts 43

2 posted 2003-08-21 02:23 PM



Jaime
Registered
Member
Posts 250

3 posted 2003-08-24 09:48 PM


I could see a sort of expansion yet I also liked it just the way it is. Cursed indecisiveness. I like the metaphor... and I like how it's kept simple. You didn't try to give me a headache or anything. High five.

jaime.

the faeries creep into my hair at night leaving it in terrible knots

jaime.

Lexy
Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038
California
4 posted 2003-08-24 11:23 PM


Nicely done.
Extremely entertaining.
So creative..that's what I love.
~Lex

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