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BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

0 posted 2003-07-23 02:00 PM

Deafening silence
Sends a chill down my spine,
As a single tear
Forms in your crystal blue eyes.
One tear
That completely washes away
Everything that we’ve been through.
Leaving me with shaky hands
And quivering lips.
Whatever comes next
Will lead to the destruction
Of everything we’ve ever had.
You raise your hand to my cheek,
Caressing it gently underneath
Your wet fingertips.
Then you lean in
And kiss my lips softly
For the last time....
With no words spoken
You turn toward the door
Open it and walk out;
Enclosing what once was
In the old apartment we used to share.
And as I watch you leave
I think of my future...
The apartment will be sold.
I’ll put up an ad in a day or two.
Who will get Picasso?
She was my cat to begin with.
Where will I live?
I could always go back to my parent’s,
Just for a little while though.
Then it hits me.
Like a knife to the heart:
You’re gone
And won’t be coming back.
With harsh realization
I drop to the floor,
Rocking back and forth
As I sob uncontrollably.
I’ve lost you...*

"In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..."

AngelShell
Member

since 2000-03-01

Posts 446
not heaven nor hell so...

1 posted 2003-07-23 08:28 PM

Wow, this was good.
It is another really good example of narrative poetry. I don't normally like that kind of writing but this works really well. While it's narrative in the sense that we get the entire picture and we can understand to a tee what is going on there is also a hidden imagery that really comes out.
I liked it a lot.

Well done!

~I haven't memorized all of the cute things to say but I'm working on it~

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

2 posted 2003-07-24 01:32 AM

once again, hatred is touched by your words. good write.

Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

3 posted 2003-07-24 02:27 AM

Greatness
-ash

I'm just kickin it up

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

4 posted 2003-07-25 12:51 PM

Hey hun...I LOVE how you take something and make it come to life. I absolutely loved this, like always. You're writing is touching, along with many other writers! The imagery was great in this piece, great work! ~Jess

"At the touch of love, everything becomes a poem." -Plato

Silent Evincar
Member

since 2003-07-22

Posts 179
Here There and Places Between

5 posted 2003-07-25 01:35 AM

I've heard the apartment scence from you before I'm sure. This is very realistic and it touches me how the cat was added in. Many a things can go wrong in life and if you can write the sobing as well as rocking. Kudos to you BarbieDoll...Kudos.

NJS

Star T
Member

since 2002-07-12

Posts 182
Philadelphia, US

6 posted 2003-07-25 01:26 PM

i'm sure that'll have hurt real bad especially since u guys have been living together and so would be so used to each other.just keep ur heart open and never give up on love.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

7 posted 2003-07-26 01:59 AM

Oh my... *HUGE HUGS*

I FELT the pain that you wrote... you built up to it so beautifully and it just tore into me at the end of this *HUGS* again

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

8 posted 2003-07-26 05:04 PM

amazing feelings portrayed...i loved it

riley

*the bloody tide comes in on the shore, time after time*

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

9 posted 2003-07-26 05:11 PM

That you posted this poem means that you watned it critiqued, but I'm hesitant to do so, because it's such a powerful, sad, and emotional poem, and getting to know you as I am, I wouldn't want to hurt you but being callous, or anyone for that matter. In the end, anyways, though, I just wanted to say that I feel organmized stanza breaks would be a powerful addition to the poem, and the last line, I would cut that, because it's already been deduced you lost him, and stating the obvious takes away from the powerful effect of the poem.

A wonderful poem.

~Titus

The few. The proud. The Marines.

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