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OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

0 posted 2003-07-01 11:48 PM

I haven't been here in a while... and I haven't written in a long time. Forgive me if this is really bad.

I never really understood why
I always wanted to be that girl
I always wanted her eyes, her smile
To feel like her for just a little while
I always wanted to be like that
To have a presence all my own
But as only me, I'm always alone
Out of sight and out of mind...
Why am I the one they always leave behind?

I never really understood why
I always wanted to be that girl
So I wonder why of all the times to cry
Why does she now? Why is she looking up?
I want to be that girl-- gazing through the sky.

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

1 posted 2003-07-02 10:33 AM

Hey, Cassi...

First of all, thanks as always for the kind replies to my poetry.

You did a nice job on this one... the only thing sort of confusing me is the fact that there's not a set rhyme scheme - some of it rhymes, but it's extremely unpredictable. The meter, however, is nearly perfect. Even where you've put in extra syllables, you've made them even out with the fewer-syllable lines so the rhythm's the same.

Wow. I think I just confused myself.

As for the theme... I always wanted to be that girl, too.

Oh, well.

Haven't seen you here in awhile, girl... keep up the writing!

-Lioness

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

2 posted 2003-07-02 09:55 PM

OtherSideOfTheMirror-

Long time no see. Glad to have you back around the forums!

I agree with Laura. The flow is exquisite.

I too, found the rhyme scheme unpredictable, but got used to it. Sometimes, you do things for a reason. Other times, you just have to let it all flow out. The best poetry is unpredictable.

One line to look at:

"So I wonder why of all the times to cry
Why does she now? Why is she looking up?"

You might need a comma in between "why" and "of" to clarify it a bit more. I got stuck there trying to figure it out.

Keep up the great writing! No need to be forgiven, you've done nothing wrong.

-Leah

Alnilam
Member

since 2003-07-04

Posts 75

3 posted 2003-07-05 06:57 PM

I think this is a really good poem. I didnt have a problem with the rhyming, probably because I have an issue with getting my own poems to rhyme "correctly". And I agree that the meter was really well done. I was drawn also to the topic, you covered well how so many of us feel. Great read all around. Thanks.

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

4 posted 2003-07-06 04:35 PM

" I want to be that girl- gazing through the sky." this is not in the least bit bad. I loved it.
~Lex

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