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Sarah
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Sarah |
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Hallucination Member
since 2001-03-18
Posts 419 |
"Sarah" (29/05/03) If I had a pennie for each minutte that I didn't sleep just because of you Bill Gates would be tucked crying like a child at home with his counting the money blues I'd be so rich I could actually put the world in a (snowcone?) for you to shake And on your birthday then I could serve you a life size Eiffel tower birthday cake But all I do is cry this world another Nile Next to my newly wid heartbreaking pile I don't have the strenght to put on another show Sarah Why did you have to go I know that I was a pain in the ass more or less metaphoricly speaking I promised, I woved and crossed my heart but somehow my bag was always leeking Each night I opened the window and left you freezing then stole the cover from you There were som many thing I could have done but instead I went and gave you the flue Now all I do is cry this world another Nile Next to my newly wid heartbreaking pile I don't have the strenght to put on another show Sarah Why did you have to go I'd call but I don't have your number and probebly never will I have decited to roll with it but it's hard to roll up hill So all I do is cry this world another Nile Next to my newly wid heartbreaking pile I don't have the strenght to put on another show Sarah Why did you have to go |
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| © Copyright 2003 Brian Eggertsen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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blueyedlioness Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289USA |
Well... it has potential. The rhythm's fairly consistent, and the rhyming's okay... you need to fix a LOT of spelling mistakes and do some final editing, though. I feel sort of like I'm reading a rough draft. You've got some definitely well put-together thoughts in there, but they're a bit drowned out and lost in the confusion of being misspelled and surrounded by confusing lines. I like the general thought of it... I think it could be a really sweet, really well-written poem. Good work... and keep on writing!  |
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