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Teen Poetry #6
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.In the Absence of Colour. [I found the ashes of my heart]
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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.In the Absence of Colour. [I found the ashes of my heart] |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Of the fingers of a man who plays his soul in tune. Written, like a script, with twisted lines and broken strings (bent pipes and feathered things) The notes of a perturbed melody are never lightly strewn. The time it takes to put pen to paper, seasons change and the dissonance, resolved. But I write these notes to you, and though I'm sure you will discard these simple pleasures of mine You will not forget the crackling of the fire upon this parchment, note by note Line by line. I was walking outside your closed door in the seasoned rain, like the snow that melts before landing soft upon your driveway, When I came across an ash pile by the letter box. Were you expecting me to come by that day, only to chase me from your door With these soot piles next to your heart baring cold and keyless locks? After a while, it's not so convincing to interpret what happens on the other end. Like a voice on the other side of a receiver, deceiving at first, The emotions are clear, yet the purpose and reason blur, And for a moment it seems that the world is cursed. I carried home, inside my pocket, the ash that was, and now returned. No path to follow, no map to fold, just tiny pieces of an awkward puzzle Too difficult to define the differences between flying and falling. I wish that you would call, but false hopes and inconsistant valentines Would keep me from writing more, and save you from calling. Captured in a breaking frame, a slightly aged and crumpled book, I had your name, your number, but not your love or lover's choice. The sky turned from blue to grey in the absence of its colour... But the world turned from blue to grey ...in the absence of your voice. * * * * * * * * * * *cries*  I'm good now.  *sigh* Poor man. I hate laments, but it had to be done. I was thinking about taking out the first stanza, but then I thought that it introduced the some of the important elements of the content. What do you think? Should I dare? Anywho, enjoy. -Leah  [This message has been edited by chasing rain (05-18-2003 08:35 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 chasing rain - All Rights Reserved | |||
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peachesNcream Senior Member
since 2001-08-21
Posts 513Ocean Of Tears |
Wow! Great imagery..! The last few lines were my favorite! ~Jess  "What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly." |
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wings of the moon Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 323Pink bubblegum land |
This is beautiful...(i love your screen name by the way )"Written, like a script, with twisted lines and broken strings" *sigh poetry at its best  "more than yesterday, less than tomorrow, i love you" |
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HopelessRomanticGuy Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495LI, New York |
...Whoa... That.... was something! Quite a feat, that poem is! It sounds rather sad, but that only adds to it's beauty! always here with you. Now stay and hold my hand and together we'll go somewhere new. ~Rich~ |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Hello m'dear  First of all your writing has grown to such a point I feel like a proud parent though I've done nothing to shape it.  Now, the piece itself. Do NOT take out the first stanza. It's required to set the scene, which it does perfectly, and gives the writing depth before you've even begun. You're writing about a man therefore the opening lines about a man and his violin depict not only the sadness that is due to follow but the vital implication that this man could be the one you choose to write about. Trust me, it's needed. You've certainly built up the quite the imagery in this, something you're very capable of doing with a hint of perfection. I wont sit here and pick out lines to say I love because they are too many to choose from. However, this: Captured in a breaking frame, a slightly aged and crumpled book, I had your name, your number, but not your love or lover's choice. captured me. It's everything about love gone wrong with just enough emotion as to not drown everyone in it. You've written another brilliant piece, Leah. I'm delighted to have caught this one. ~AF~ I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. |
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Le Capitan de L'Amour Member
since 2000-07-15
Posts 60 |
Well I loved your poem it indeed had elements that were important in order for the poem to be understood, but I wonder the contradiction in your line where you say and I quote "No path to follow, no map to fold, just tiny pieces of an awkward puzzle Too difficult to define the differences between flying and falling." the difference of falling and flying are two very differnt aspects between one and the other, because as to be flying down is to be falling, but as to be flying in the way that you try to say makes no sence what so ever, and then the line that introduces that sentence isn't anywhere near what the other tries to explain. I know exatly what you try to say in your poem and I really like it, its a really good piece, just refine what you feel. I am nobody to tell you how to do your poem of course but although Im a newbee I will give you a good advice. "Poetry means to try to put on emotions." I know its hard but you got to do it, I know you can be better, you have a very good potential, just keep writting with that thought in your mind, trut me it will help you. If you do that, you will reach the next level. P.S Dont get me wrong but I like your poem, it reminds me of myself. Thanks for charing your poem. I hope you keep writting, you are good. |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
wings of the moon- lol, I wouldn't necessarily call this poetry at its best, but thank you for the compliment (on the poem and my s/n  )HopelessRomanticGuy- Indeed, it was a VERY LONG and excrutiatingly hard piece to write. And yes, often an emotion does lend beauty to poems, but we must not forget that at times, emotion is beauty. EJ- !!! You're back! I don't think I could be any happier.  I was thinking about leaving the first stanza in there anyway, not only for setting the scene, but for other reasons as well (I'm lazy.) Glad you could read this one. Hope to see you stunning the forums again!Le Capitan de L'Amour- Thank you VERY much for your critique. I've been wanting some for a long time. I'm not sure what you mean by contradiction, but I understand the misconception of the lines you mentioned. You said the difference between flying and falling are two very different aspects. I agree. However, flying down is not necessarily falling. When one falls, they do not have control over the actual falling, though they are able to control the events before hand to avoid it. Flying requires much control, and so we cannot really define it as falling. And so, with the "just tiny pieces of an awkward puzzle Too difficult to define the differences between flying and falling" line, I was hoping to convey the idea that 1. the ashes were too difficult to piece together simply because the pieces were too small to compare any difference between each piece (and thus, piece together the puzzle) and 2. that the man was in the middle of losing control and gaining control of the situation due to the hurt he has experienced. To put it in shorter terms, he didn't know what to do and was lost in mass confusion. I will take another look at those lines though and try to clear up what confusion there was. Thank you again for pointing that out. -Leah |
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xxshadowxx Junior Member
since 2003-05-17
Posts 43Texas |
WOW... I'm speechless. Beautiful poem!!! ~*Carrie*~ "Hard days made me, hard nights shaped me" |
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ESP Member Elite
since 2000-01-25
Posts 2556Floating gently on a cloud.... |
Don't you dare take out the first stanza!!! It's great!! Gotta send this poem straight back to the top, it rawks!! Luv, Liz xxx "Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~ |
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