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The Sphinx
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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The Sphinx |
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blueyedlioness Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289USA |
Okay, so yep, this is long. But it's pretty self-explanatory.  Why am I still sitting here? Why do I hold on? Why do I put up with the fear? Why should I be strong? What if I just gave up and left? What if I went tonight? What if I said, that's it, the end? What if I stopped the fight? Would you notice I was gone? Would you even care? Would you want me back, know you were wrong? Would you forget that I was there? Can I make it if I leave? Can I let it go? Can I dismiss what I believe? Can I ever know? The questions ever haunt me now Keep me in their grasp Until I answer ever one Can't leave, can't hope, can't laugh Curse of a lion with eagle's wings The sphinx that keep me in their gaze Questioning 'til end of time Mouse in imagined maze Still sitting here 'cause I can't go Hold on 'til I can't stay Put up with fear because I know Only the strong live through today I could leave, walk out right now Run away and not come back But if I got away, then how Could I live not fixing what I lack? It doesn't matter if you notice Or if you even care You had your chance, I took the risk And you were never there If I leave, I'll die or live Let it go or stay Believe in what I have to give And that there is a way The eyes seem almost to be closing Will they finally sleep? Or will these haunted prisoners stay In their watchful keep? [This message has been edited by blueyedlioness (05-11-2003 02:41 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Laura - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
Laura, I didn't expect to come into Teen Poetry and read something with this much merit. It's remindful of the time when Teen really was a collection of truly gifted poets... somewhere I felt that was lost and I stopped being a regular here myself. I saw the title on today's topics and it caught my eye. I read the poem, and I wasn't disappointed... I was actually rather impressed with your writing. Now you have a critique message, so I am going to critique you. I hope you don't mind. First of all, the opening four stanzas are a little bit too much in too little a space. It's really just a ton of simple questions with no elaboration, no intrigue about them... I personally don't like it when a poem consists of various questions so closely placed like that. It might do more for your poem in general if you were to cut out a few of the questions and instead, focus on explaining them a bit more... a "why" can usually be preceded with an "if" and succeeded with a "perhaps." Know what I mean? Yes, I know the questions are important for running parallel to the title, but I think you might even consider adding a few stanzas, drawing them out a bit more. As for the poem's meaning, I don't know if I get it entirely, but I have some idea... is it about the struggle between faith and the pursuit of knowledge? You seem to say that you have a lot of questions, and you could back away from them and finally "sleep," or you could stay and endure the pain and struggle of trying to discover the answers. You could decide to simply believe, or you could opt to pursue questions... it's a struggle not many can comprehend, but I think that I've been there. Yes, it is difficult to pursue the answers to these questions and still be able to survive, still be able to fit into the world... but at the same time, knowledge might be worth it. I'll continue to believe that it's always better to question... it's a difficult path to take but, as you said, it's better than just choosing to believe... I might be way off on this interpretation, and if I am, I apologize. I still enjoyed this poem very much, and I'm quite impressed... thank you for the delightful read, Laura. Parasite Poets are the unacknowledged legislators of the world. |
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BrokenDreams Member
since 2003-02-09
Posts 425In The Clouds |
Well, I can't give you that much of a reply, but here's what I have. "Curse of a lion with eagle's wings The sphinx that keep me in their gaze Questioning 'til end of time Mouse in imagined maze" These are my favotite lines. Especailly the last one. Overall, I think it's pretty good. Jenni To hate you must first have loved. |
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
I LOVE THAT SO MUCH Honestly, I read a lot of poetry here. Most of the time my replies are good because I don't bother with stuff I don't like. This was beyond good though, and I REALLY enjoyed it. THank's FOr PoSTInG -cassi |
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blueyedlioness Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289USA |
Yes! A real critique! THANKYOU! Of course I totally appreciate any suggestions... and I'll play with editing it more now. I think you interpreted it pretty well... I guess all those questions were just kind of running through my mind... ya know, "why if I hate this so much am I still here?" kind of stuff. And thanks to EVERYBODY for your wonderful replies! -Lioness *growl* |
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