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Teen Poetry #6
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If I Died
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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If I Died |
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Jeremy Halstead Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 569Morris, Ill. U.S.A 
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another one from back in the day If I Died Everyone must go sometime, but some must go today. They have no choice, it's just their time. For who's crimes must they pay? Unwilling sacrifices to the Gods who take on with their powers. Taking lives but not their own... simply taking our's. I see the dead and wonder why everyone is here. Knowing that we all shall die- seeing constant fear. If I were next, the chosen one by whom the toll is paid, who would grieve at my loss- now my deathbed's made? I know a few of those who might cry until they bleed. But some I wonder if they would... if my life they truly need. A blackened vail over my poor mother's eyes, my father's going mad. My brother holds my sister's hand- all so far beyond sad. A priest preaches the word of God, shedding not a tear. My body lifeless in a box... At last my futures clear. Jeremy D. Halstead 1996 Be it in the truest form, or a desperate lack thereof, fail not to understand that the inspiration is love. [This message has been edited by Jeremy Halstead (05-07-2003 02:39 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 Jeremy D. Halstead - All Rights Reserved | |||
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tornskirt Member
since 2003-03-30
Posts 87 |
amazing, then again, i always love your poems! great job. never leave the light on if you don't want to be found |
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blackandwhitehorizon Member
since 2003-05-05
Posts 183an akward state of mind |
very nice poem... |
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FlyingCloud Member
since 2003-04-28
Posts 151A little place inside my head |
This poem is great!  It brought a few tears to my eye, because of the death I had experienced in my life.  +Genuine poetry can communicate before it is understood.+ |
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punkrockerrobin 
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
 you always know how to put emmotion into a poem very well done hun loved it! ut yet your poems are always amazing!!!!  robin hi my name is robin and i am addicted to poetry and men! |
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teenpoet Member
since 2001-10-17
Posts 280Michigan |
It's a good poem. great poem I don't know if today is a good day, or if yesterday was, or if tomorrow will be, but I'd like to think so. |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Enjoyed the read muchly. 1996? Interesting date, though I don't know why. There's some stuff I'd like you to take a look at and consider for next time (I don't expect you to change anything or everything.  ):1. Meter. There were a few rough spots that needed a bit of smoothing out. Some of it was due to word placement, other lines were missing syllables or were over-abundant in them. A few ways you could do this is have a pulse, keep it in your head while you write, and stick with it...no matter what. Some poetry is difficult to read when the rhythm is off. Another way you could get a handle on this is to write out exactly what you want to say, ignoring meter all together, and then when the poem is complete, tweak it so that the lines have a pulse or the same amount of syllables. Or, you could just ignore meter all together, since there are some freeverse poems that rhyme. But that defeats the purpose of freeverse, doesn't it?  I'm sure there are better ways to figure out meter, but the never-fail method (I sound like my math teacher) is to practice practice practice. Fun times...(x_X) You'll learn to love the thesaurus.2. Longer lines. The formatting of the poem was fine, but I think it would have a better effect if you had extended the lines. For example: "Everyone must go sometime, but some must go today. They have no choice, it's just their time. For who's crimes must they pay?" could be- "Everyone must go sometime, but some must go today. They have no choice, it's just there time, For who's crimes must they pay?" Some poems are great with the short lines. Others need to extend the line so that the continuation of a thought is better recognized. It you're rhyming in an ABAB or an ABCB, longer lines are useful for the reader to see the rhyming lines and develop the pulse in their head while they're reading. Kind of like a "heads up, I'm rhyming," type...thing.  Wow, this is getting long. Stupid blabbering. But that's all I have to say (Thank God.) in terms of critiques. Despite my long-windedness, the end of most poems are usually the best part. This one is no exception, even if it's from 1996. -Leah  |
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Ceinwyn Member Elite
since 2000-07-09
Posts 2175VA |
OMG You're back! Sweetie!! lol sorry had way too much sugar!! I soooooo missed your poetry..remember you are the reason I came here..and I guess now you're gonna be the only reason I'm gonna stay and continue writing If at first you don't succeed destroy all the evidence that you tried. |
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wvplayernotreally Member
since 2002-11-06
Posts 215yakima wa |
good stuff. wow that was amazing. " I think I got a tan from the light in which i was basking." |
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SilentTears Member
since 2003-02-15
Posts 371Lost and Broken |
I love all of your work...and this just adds to the list. You have a beautiful way with words...keep 'em coming!!! I always enjoy reading them! Nice job! As I smile at everyone else, I'm dying inside... ~Me |
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dani Junior Member
since 2003-05-10
Posts 46 |
wow that's how i feel some of the time i've written poems simmalar when i was feeling down wondering whether anyone would miss me i'll live a lie until i die or until you work out why |
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