untited(please help) - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

BrokenDreams
Member

since 2003-02-09

Posts 425
In The Clouds

0 posted 2003-05-04 10:55 PM

You swore you'd always be there,
You'd never go, you'd never stray.
Who knew you'd be gone forever more
Before the light of another day.

Each day with you was another reason to smile.
Loving each and every part of you.
Being in love made it all worthwhile.
But much too soon, our love was through.

It was just a huge misunderstanding,
Both of us thinking the worst.
Words leaving their torturous mark, branding.
No longer could we put each other first.

I guess our tomorrows will never come,
But I want you to remember, no matter what you do,
In the game of life, though neither of us won,
Until my dying day, I will still love you.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

This poem is about my first love, whom I was with for five months. As the poem says, we aren't together anymore because of lies, half-truths, and misunderstandings that I would do anything to take back.

Anyway any help with a title would be most helpful.

Jenni

To hate you must first have loved.

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

1 posted 2003-05-05 01:46 AM

I must say this was heart felt and beautifully written. I went through the same thing about a month ago..still hurting from that it was my first love as well and it lasted for the same amount of months..though the circumstances were slightly different it still involved a major communication problem. As for a title two suggestions are:
Unsaid things
Forever's love
I had another one as I was reading me but it eluded me as I was about to write it down if I remember it I'll be back!
~Live and Laugh~

Always strive for excellence never perfection.
~Bella~

AlostHeart
Member

since 2003-05-01

Posts 78
Wisconsin, U.S.

2 posted 2003-05-05 08:31 AM

Great writtin Jennifer Lynn. I knew you could get past that writers block! Cause you have plenty to write about.
Love you always and forever,
Tori

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

3 posted 2003-05-06 01:31 PM

Wow, look at all these lost loves in here. I'm afraid I'm adding another one to the group. Same thing happened to me about a month ago - after being together five months. What a freaky coincidence. Anyway. I'm gettin' over it now. Almost.

But that was a great poem - nice job.

teenpoet
Member

since 2001-10-17

Posts 280
Michigan

4 posted 2003-05-20 10:09 AM

Well maybe I'm the only one to ever say this but I've never had a first love, unrequitted love-yes but first love-no. maybe you title it "First Love". I don't know.

I don't know if today is a good day, or if yesterday was, or if tomorrow will be, but I'd like to think so.

Fading Away

Member Elite

since 2001-03-14

Posts 3131
Lynchburg, Virginia

5 posted 2003-05-20 01:16 PM

After reading the poem through while thinking about a title, I thought possibly "Separate Ways".

As for the poem, it was beautifully expressed. Each line was an emotion in itself. I will commend you for the beautiful writing.

Good job with attempting a rhyme scheme. Since your critique message says you want to improve your writing, I will comment that the rhythm of the stanzas was varied, and often inconsistent. While writing poems with a rhyme scheme tied into stanzas, I would encourage you to pay close attention to the number of syllables in each line.

This is a wonderful write, and a good first draft. Now go back over it, and finalize the loose ends. I would love to see the ending product.

Wonderful work!

--Marie

"You can be idealistic for all of ten seconds before you die." (Imitation of Life)

CwboyAtHeart
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 541
Selah, WA, USA

6 posted 2003-05-20 02:13 PM

It's unfortunate that things like that happen. Even when you try your hardest to make things work, sometimes they just won't. I could feel your pain... Very emotional. Thanks for posting.

      - Cody -

Note To Self:  If Pigs Can Fly, So Can I!!!

If someboy laughs at me, does that make me funny or just plain stupid?

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

7 posted 2003-05-20 03:42 PM

AlostHeart...LOL! It's not Jennifer Lynn..her name is Jennifer Rick! LOL...soweee...I just tohught it was funny

Anyways...this was a great poem!! I can totally relate to this but my situation was a little different. Very good! ~Jess

"What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly."

FlyingCloud
Member

since 2003-04-28

Posts 151
A little place inside my head

8 posted 2003-05-20 04:03 PM

Breakups are always hard, and you express that well in the poem. But don't worry, someday, that someone will come.

Always remember to forget
The friends that proved untrue.
But never forget to remember
Those who have stuck by you.
-Anon

AlostHeart
Member

since 2003-05-01

Posts 78
Wisconsin, U.S.

9 posted 2003-05-20 05:01 PM

(edited by moderator) That happens to be her middle name and i know who she is considering im her best friend! ~Tori Louise~

Dont ever love a guy that will never love you back, no matter how hard you try.

[This message has been edited by skyshine (05-23-2003 07:18 PM).]

ESP
Member Elite

since 2000-01-25

Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

10 posted 2003-05-22 07:48 AM

Beautiful expression. I loved someone for several months but he didn't let me in. There was so much misunderstanding and now it will never be clear.....but hey what am I rambling on for, you don't want to know my stupid life story!! Hehehe, I like this poem a lot, and as for a title? Um, how about "Blinding Illusions".....ok so that might be a bit random. I'm outta here!
But I will be back waiting on your next piece...

Luv, Liz xxx

"Gorge the honey from life, and live through the stomach aches knowing they will pass..." ~Liz Pinard 2003~

snoduck
Member

since 2002-11-15

Posts 99
Selah, WA

11 posted 2003-05-22 11:06 PM

for a simple title you could try "Gone" or maybe what someone else said as "first love" I must say its a very good poem... hit really close to home. lol. great write!

-Erica-

SilentTears
Member

since 2003-02-15

Posts 371
Lost and Broken

12 posted 2003-05-26 12:29 PM

Oh wow...I can relate to this poem more than ever! Me and my boyfriend are having problems right now and this is EXACTLY what's happening. Misunderstandings...And I know what you mean...I wish I could take things back, too. God...don't ya just hate life? Anyways...terrific write. I'm so glad I read this one.

I have definetly decided that I love your poetry...so I must thread you to my library! Hehe!

Once again...thanks for the read. It was a beautifully touching write!

As I smile at everyone else, I'm dying inside... ~Me

Halcyon
Junior Member

since 2003-04-10

Posts 43
Arizona, USA

13 posted 2003-05-27 05:32 AM

I'm in a situation much like in ESP's, only that I'm not quite sure what will come of it. I might have been in love with someone for the past three years and yet have failed to realize it.

Here's one of her recordings, "First Love" by Hikaru Utada. First Love (6.43 MB)

Anyways, great poem.. honestly felt from the heart. I look forward to reading more of your poetry.

[This message has been edited by Halcyon (05-27-2003 05:33 AM).]

Halcyon
Junior Member

since 2003-04-10

Posts 43
Arizona, USA

14 posted 2003-05-27 07:12 AM

Oops, forgot to add this to my library!

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.