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Teen Poetry #6
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Sorrow
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Sorrow |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
And number three. Sorrow Are you really here in my arms, or do I cling to fading dreams? unsure of the path that you've chosen I stand regretfully watching you slipping slowly, silently away into twilight mists of apathy the fire in your eyes gutters low and you don't care icy breath carried on a chill wind and you don't care laughter broken; bound in chains of pain and you don't care I've tried to guide you out of the haze but you prefer to remain obscure unconcerned, uncaring, unfeeling now I'm gone, and I hope you someday remember these words of letting go written by a Falling Tears Poet. There is no ryhme, no rythem, so don't look for one.  ex animo, Aaron IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI |
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| © Copyright 2003 aaron woodside - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Lexy Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038California |
I love this,I love free style it allows you to much more open with your feelings. ~thanks for sharing, I epecially liked the second stanza. ~Lexy |
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WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
I really love this one! My vote for it, I hope you get into the book. Who needs ryhm? WinterWren |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
 Aaron- Quite the poem that you've written though I'm not completely sure if it's the best you've pencilled in, but my mind is in a blur. Your choice of pictures for your words are done quite beautifully, but the substance...I'm not sure it was done successfully. Mainly on the second stanza I had trouble grasping hold of the repetitions that were soon becoming old. I didn't care for "you don't care" in its placement at the time. I think it might work better if it was placed in the last line. (or last stanza) The repetitions did not help the flow of mindful thought, and so I could not grasp the substance which might have helped a lot. The differences between the first and second stanza were a good idea though I think the placement wasn't very good. However, despite my critisms in this funny situation, I give you my heartfelt vote for this, your own creation. Your talents in your writing are for truely good intentions, and so I want to show you my deep appreciation. You know yourself, you know quite well that what you write is true in human nature through a mind that is of a writer's own perceptive view. I always like the way you write, though I sometimes don't agree, so bash me hard upside the head for my rhymes are so cheesy. What did the last part of that line have to do with anything? I'm getting a headache from rhyming. Heck, I should make that critique a post, eh? HAHAHA. Detect my rhyme. I need one of those t-shirts that says "I-rhyme-bad." But anyway, you might also want to check the grammar on the first line of the second stanza. I believe it should be "gutter" and not "gutters" (it gutters/they gutter). Anyway, keep up the great work!  Leah  ps- I would post more if I weren't such a freak...  |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
I appreciate the comments all. I picked this poem for a few reasons. One, this is one of the few poems I've written that I actually still like. I'm picky. The reason I like this poem so much is that, this poem still has extreme emotional impact on me. If ever I have been in love it was with this girl. I would have done anything for this girl. And it was all unrequited. I played the fool. I was a passing speedbump to her. And the sad thing is, I would forget everything if she only wanted me. I still speak to her a couple times a week. I don't understand her in the least. One minute she is truely an angel, and the next she is colder then ice. I guess she still uses me when she needs me. And I still sit around because I only wish to see her happy. Maybe someday I will actually get the courage to just walk away. This is the same girl about half of all the poems I've posted here, have been about. I'm a fool in love, but is there any other kind. Thanx for those who voted for me. Leah-The "you don't care" lines maybe could have been replaced but I enjoyed the simple repetition of hearing that she doesn't care about our relationship/friendship. It seems she honestly doesn't care that she can be so cold hearted to me at times. Not sure about the gutters thing. As to rhyming. lol that wasn't a crack at you. I'm not sure why I put it. Just because I rhyme sometimes and when I don't people ask me what my rhyme scheme was or why they can't figure it out. Cause it's not there.  So I figured I'd tell everyone about it up front. I have one other poem to post to try and get in the book. It's a little longer though, so I'm going to wait a few days before posting it. Again thnx everyone who responded or voted. This poem is a reminder to me of the "joys" of unrequited love. ex animo, Aaron IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI [This message has been edited by aaron woodside (04-10-2003 12:36 AM).] |
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A.L Member
since 2003-03-15
Posts 131 |
Rhyme doesnt mean anything, you expressed your feelings beautifully. keep up the good work -Ali- |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (big hugggsssssss) Oh Aaron, rhyme isn't everything, dearest friend, this is a wonderful heartfelt poem and reflects the compassionate and golden heart you have! (sigh) God Bless You, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Aaron, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." Shakira [This message has been edited by Mistletoe Angel (04-10-2003 08:32 PM).] |
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peachesNcream Senior Member
since 2001-08-21
Posts 513Ocean Of Tears |
Whoa, good job! I'm not quite sure what to say but this one sure got my attention. I can kinda relate to it! ~Jess  "The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept." |
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PoeticGoddessOfDepression Member
since 2002-07-02
Posts 439I am everywhere |
There is no rhyme... and you don't care. I really really liked this. You got my vote. |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
Thnx for the replies and votes. I appreciate it. I hope you can draw something out of this. ex animo, Aaron IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
A one for the book |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
Thnx Andrew, we can hope. ex animo, Aaron IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
OHHHH I see now. hehe?? lol Tough crowd indeed. ex animo, Aaron IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI |
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carol Senior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 624Florida USA |
Really good it got my vote Real friends celebrate in who we are and have faith in all that we can become |
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Alyssa
since 2001-05-30
Posts 385IM ENGAGED!!!!! |
ya aint emailed me back hun anyways nice poem! i havent read one from you for awhile and this one just gets to me, brings tears to my eyes, maybe because i feel this way right now...email me Amee |
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Alyssa
since 2001-05-30
Posts 385IM ENGAGED!!!!! |
i didnt vote....didnt know it was there soooo i replied again |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
This is beautiful, I vote. |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
Thnx for the replies and votes. Hopefully things are looking good for this poem. Hey Amee, how ya been? I'll write you today, I just forgot. Talk to you soon. ex animo, Aaron IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI |
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
Got my vote!!! how are you!?! it has indeed beena while! About the rhyming... well I think (though most of my poems rhyme... heh...  ) that rhyming and rythm are more a way for the poet to find the words than anything else. They make it easier... you can just search your vocabulary for something that fits. Unfortunately, I find that often leaves words that are simply placed and not meant. You, however, abandoned form and were able to find all the right words. That takes true talent and true meaning... not just an assortment of language. To the lack of the socially accepted rhyme and rythm, I say BRAVO!!! And keep up the good work. -cassi |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
Thank you all. ex animo, Aaron IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI |
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FlyingCloud Member
since 2003-04-28
Posts 151A little place inside my head |
I like how this poem expresses a certain helplessness when it comes to losing someone. I think that, you should show a brighter side on the path to recovery. ^~Whoever does not love his work cannot hope that it will please others.~^ |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
Sure, when I find it, I'll be glad to write about it. ex animo, Aaron Woodside IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI |
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Felinus Junior Member
since 2003-08-06
Posts 20Princeton |
exquisite. I am not yet courageous enough to create without rhyme as a writer, this is inspirational; as a fool for love, it is touching |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
Lol wow, someone found this. Thnx for the kind words. I'm honestly surprised to still be getting replies to this. ex animo Aaron IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI |
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