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Teen Poetry #6
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Drummerboy06
Junior Member
since 2003-03-23
Posts 46
Indiana

0 posted 2003-03-26 01:19 PM


No matter how much time you spend with me.
No matter what you think you know.
Whatever your beliefs may be,
There is one thing that is so.
This "thing" no person can comprehend.
One can study it for all time
yet remain clueless in the end.
Now as you read my poem
there is something you may ask:
"What kind of creature is this?
Its life must be quite a task,
for it is lonely this I see."
I answer you now with deep regret,
this misunderstood "thing" is me.

No one knows what im really like
but they seem to think they do.
Im described as a drummer and smart,
I say that im caring too.
No one knows how I cry at night.
They don’t know my sorrow.
My friends don’t know how I fight
to make it to tomorrow.

I’ve never let anyone know
about my other side.
The side that likes to watch the sunset,
or the graceful oceans tide.
No one ever knows about
the sensitive part of me.
They don’t know how I feel
and this they’ll never see.

No one knows how I look up at night
gazing at the stars above.
They don’t know that on the first stars' light,
I wish for my one true love.
She's the only one that could ever understand.
the only treasure I'll ever want,
more so than all the land.
As I stand there alone
looking out across the sea.
No one knows of my silent wish
that you were here with me.

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. - Robert F

© Copyright 2003 David Learned - All Rights Reserved
Albino_Jenn
Member
since 2003-03-03
Posts 105
Ontario, Canada
1 posted 2003-03-26 06:38 PM


It was alright but you need pay more attention to rhythm..it works in some parts but then in others it just falls apart..also the rhyming seems a little off...you had a rhyming pattern in parts but then in other parts it doesn't rhyme at all...it takes away from the poem, and the message that is trying to be put across..other then those things the poem was good...
Jenn

**Hope is what Shields us from the harsh realities of life**

Drummerboy06
Junior Member
since 2003-03-23
Posts 46
Indiana
2 posted 2003-03-26 06:49 PM


Yeah, I was kinda afraid of that.  This was like the third poem that I have ever written so it will seem a little off.  I was still trying to learn the basics (i think I have it down now).  But you are absolutely correct in every aspect of your critique.  I wasnt really consistant in my writing (in different parts of the poem, the rhyming scheme was different and the rhythm was.....ehhhh).  i appreciate the read and reply.

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. - Robert F

Mistletoe Angel
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Member Empyrean
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816
Portland, Oregon
3 posted 2003-03-26 11:48 PM




(big hugggssssssss) There certainly should be a rule that you should NEVER at any circumstance judge a book by its cover, sadly so many prefer to look at the Cliff Notes in a persons heart and that only creates conflicts and befuddling on many peoples part! (sad sigh) This is so well-said, sweet friend, I know if you follow your heart many others will see this special side of you also, the rhyme isn't perfect but my philosophy is the best poetry is always the honest words from ones heart therefore I vote for this, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet David, thank you for sharing!



May love and light always shine upon you!

Love,
Noah Eaton

"Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..."

Shakira

Mon Cherie
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2001-10-31
Posts 922
Land of Never-ending Summers
4 posted 2003-05-04 10:07 AM


I don't know about everyone else, but I always believed that all of us have two sides. We show one side in our everyday life, and that is what everyone believes us to be. The other side is what they don't see. It maybe a dark personality, but it may also be a sensitive side.

Don't despair... There'll be someone who'll like you enough to find out both sides, and love you for who you are.

_,,,^.^,,,_
Florence

*Belabebeautiful*
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Senior Member
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696
washington, USA
5 posted 2003-05-05 01:22 AM


I agree with Mon Cherie everyone has to sides to themselve's..This was absolutly beautiful, the ryhming may be off a little bit but the words came from that deep place inside your heart that just steals the breath away and you don't even notice those things..stunning...
~Live and Laugh~

Always strive for excellence never perfection.
~Bella~

blueyedlioness
Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289
USA
6 posted 2003-05-06 01:27 PM


*sigh* I don't even know you, but reading something like that from a guy... really makes me want to just... give you a hug and say it'll be alright.

The rhythm was a bit off, but sometimes... when it's a story like that, it doesn't really matter.

Lexy
Senior Member
since 2003-01-28
Posts 1038
California
7 posted 2003-05-06 07:52 PM


That was so cute, and a little bit sad. you should let your friends see you, the real you, the type of guy I always wish for is what you described, sensitive, caring. Show that side of you.
This was beautiful.
~LExy

BrokenDreams
Member
since 2003-02-09
Posts 425
In The Clouds
8 posted 2003-05-07 12:20 PM


I wish there were more guys like you around...If you ever want to talk feel free to email me...my address is in my profile.
Jen

To hate you must first have loved.

tornskirt
Member
since 2003-03-30
Posts 87

9 posted 2003-05-07 04:15 PM


i really liked it -- thanks

never leave the light on if you don't want to be found

Paragon
Member
since 2003-02-16
Posts 114

10 posted 2003-05-08 12:03 PM


Are you my clone?! We must share a brain or something this is EXACTLY how i feel man. Comforting to know Im not the only male out there that feels like this. Sorry to say the nice guy always loses but keep your head up there is always a chance you can do better than me

BabieDoll
Member
since 2003-02-13
Posts 268
BFE
11 posted 2003-05-08 10:07 AM


My week has been horrible...and reading this made me want to cry! It's the most beautiful thing I've heard in a while. I especially love the last stanza. I am definately voting for it hun. Great job.

~J.Lynn

"In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..."

SilentTears
Member
since 2003-02-15
Posts 371
Lost and Broken
12 posted 2003-05-10 11:58 AM


This is a very beautiful poem. I think a lot of people may have "another side" that no one knows about. Don't ever be afraid to show that other side to those close to you!!! Great job...your poem really touched me. You definetly have my vote.

As I smile at everyone else, I'm dying inside... ~Me

blueyedlioness
Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289
USA
13 posted 2003-05-11 01:35 PM


You GUYS! Augh! I *never* reply to a poem twice, but this one I'm just going to have to.

Do you have any idea how many girls want sensitive, loving guys?!! Like, every one I know. Why don'tcha try showing that side of you sometime? It might surprise you how many girls love it. What we really want is guys who carry their guy-ishness well, and are able to be sensitive and caring without seeming feminine.

Sounds like you guys got it made.

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