»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
If you were gone- actual post
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
If you were gone- actual post |
|
|
bride of destruction New Member
since 2003-03-05
Posts 1 |
I'd like to repost this poem. It was posted WITHOUT my permission by a couple of friends. And I wanted it up here, put up by myself. Also because I never saw any replies made to it and id wanna see. If You Were Gone And if you were gone forever? What would I do? I'd cry a thousand rivers In memory of you. I'd go to sleep and never wake, Just lying in my bed To always see your shining face Transfigured in my head. And if there was some way that I Could take away your pain, I'd swim a thousand oceans, Climb one thousand mountains Just to find you once again. And when I found you I would hold you Forever in my arms, Kiss you lightly upon the lips, Mend each painful scar. Then turn my head so you would miss The tears running down my cheeks, Hoping and praying and wishing that Maybe someday you could love me. . . |
||
| © Copyright 2003 bride of destruction - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
CwboyAtHeart Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 541Selah, WA, USA |
This was good and well written. However, the varying line lengths took away from the flow. These lines right here: "I'd swim a thousand oceans, climb one thousand mountains just to find you once again." Those could be broken up in order to make the flow go a little better... "I'd swim a thousand oceans Climb one thousand mountains Just to find you once again" Just a thought... There are also a few places where I thought that the break at the end of the line could be placed differently to flow better. One example: "And when I found you I would hold you forever in my arms" It would work better if it didn't end with hold... An idea may be: "And when I found you I would hold you Forever in my arms" The last critique I have is that when you type your poems, it's always easier to read and appears to flow better if you keep a steady capitalization on the beginnings of the lines instead of having some capitalized and others not. Anyway, just a couple of ideas that I thought might improve the poem. Take 'em or leave them it's up to you. Overall, I really enjoyed this piece and it's great to see you posting here, proudly posting your own work instead of your friends posting it without your knowledge. Hope you enjoy your stay here at Passions. Feel free to check the place out and get to know everybody here. Welcome! Hope to see you continue posting here in the future! - Cody - |
||
|
frolicking dolphin Member
since 2003-02-23
Posts 268my own special world |
I agree with Cody that you could improve in those areas, but I liked the poem. ~*~Karen~*~ |
||
|
BrokenDreams Member
since 2003-02-09
Posts 425In The Clouds |
I like the poem, but I agree that it would flow better if the line breaks were different. Jenn think about this: everyone you know will someday die. |
||
Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (big hugggsssssss) This is so very heartfelt, sweet friend, miracles do happen and I surely do hope this comes true for you as you are so deserving of such a radiant happiness! (sigh) I am so happy you posted this yourself, yay, this is worthy of the book and I place my proud vote for you, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing!  May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
||
Child of the Stars
since 2000-09-07
Posts 1658Ann Arbor, MI |
Cody had some very nice stylistic critiques..  I think they did the poem justice...this was easy to read and it sorta makes me want to hug something..  Well done.empty arms |
||
|
aries_luv_ppl Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448Universal Mind |
this is good. I enjoy it very much. ~Every girl has a dream within. |
||
|
WhiteRose Member Elite
since 2002-07-23
Posts 3208somebody's dungeon |
Enjoyed the write of this. |
||
|
DawnG
since 2000-06-23
Posts 1494United States |
Wow! It feels as if you have gotten inside my head and written my thoughts so much better than I ever could. GREAT poem! Dawn |
||
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I think it's worth a spot in the book, as is, but the line breaks suggested by (?) were not a bad idea. But it's yours, and either way, I'll vote for it, and wish you good luck, Peace and Happiness. |
||
|
Echo Junior Member
since 2003-02-20
Posts 14the abyss |
wow, lol, it looks like everyone's said everything already, but i just wanted to say that i really loved you poem. i agree with cody about the breaks. if it were a song i'd probably cry, it reminds me of how much i care about those special people in my life. i hope to see more of your stuff, gj. eyes see, ears hear, mind believes |
||
|
punkrockerrobin
since 2001-05-15
Posts 1180Sparks, NV |
wow cody such a popular one lol! i do agree tho. awesome poem dear! robin i am who i am and that's all that i am and all i shall ever be and if you don't like who i am then leave! |
||
|
edeebaybee New Member
since 2003-04-10
Posts 1 |
Personal attack removed. [This message has been edited by vlraynes (04-11-2003 12:34 AM).] |
||
|
aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
I liked this. I think the above poster is a troll. If it weren't already accepted I would vote for this. Good job. ex animo, Aaron IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI |
||
|
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Wonderful writing, thanks for sharing I really enjoyed the read. |
||
|
WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
Beatiful poem! I really love this piece, thank you for sharing it with us. And welcome to passions!! WinterWren |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
