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Tomer
Senior Member

since 2002-06-28

Posts 1168
Michigan

0 posted 2003-02-23 12:18 PM

Leaves shadow a Familiar face,
As the mountainous smile glares across his face.

He stands secretly behind stone.
His name etched in with sins of his own path.

His pants to long for comfort,
Leaving him dragging with clumsy greed.
But Owls can only cater to his luminous gloom.

His shielded grin,
Covers his stainless soul,
Making others think he is two different colors.

Classic ties of birds
Surround his overgrown head,
As he sits there muddling,
I wish I were dead.

He chastises anyone who is close,
But seems inept in reaching for his clothes.

Night falls,
As pebbles dance on the riverfront.
As his shadow sleeps to the pin of the moon.

teenpoet
Member

since 2001-10-17

Posts 280
Michigan

1 posted 2003-05-05 11:10 AM

You're very desciptive. I don't know if I am just dense or what but I don't exactly get it. I get the feeling of regret or pain or something but I'm not exactly sure. But it sounds quite nice. Sorry I can't be much help.

~Keep dreaming~

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

2 posted 2003-05-07 08:14 PM

Tomer-

I agree with the above: It is very descriptive, but at the same time, poetic. Anyone can be descriptive. Only some can be poetic about it.

It's sad how many incredibly well written poems are missed in this forum. All I can say is, I'm glad I found something different here. Thank you.

What was unique about this poem was the inconsistant rhyming. I'm not sure if you did this intentionally or not, but I thought it added contrast and intrest. Your word choices were well placed to make a more smooth and lyrical setting, which also enhanced the overall tone (somewhat bitter?).

An impressive piece. Keep it up! I haven't seen you around lately, but I look forward to your next post.

Leah

SilentTears
Member

since 2003-02-15

Posts 371
Lost and Broken

3 posted 2003-05-07 08:24 PM

I really enjoyed reading this poem. It was very unique and expressive. The inconsistant rhyming scheme was a nice touch! I really liked it! Nice job!

As I smile at everyone else, I'm dying inside... ~Me

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

4 posted 2003-05-08 10:11 AM

This isn't something I would usually like, but jeez this is really good! Honestly, really good! Very descriptive. Great job! ~Jess

"What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly."

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