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Teen Poetry #6
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Untitled so far
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Untitled so far |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada 
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Note: I would really like for this poem to be throughly critiqued...i plan to work on it more..it is the first draft.thanks Regina The bounty of forgiveness Has slumped at my feet The dejection of failure Written in the walls of your shadow Unmerciful you bind me to your hand A naked rope lies taut against your hand The perplexity of your distastes Saturates my mind in harmful conduct The desolate emotion of your abandonment Plays havoc onto our hearts The spoils of your shame The freedom of life quelled Rasping knuckles against flesh The tragedy of humourless love Principle of regret beg at my hands The sour imprint has left me paralyzed The acceleration of your archaic hostility Has left no options in this battle It crawls on its hands bound Its talon feet carve bloody images The Hoopoe, hops about Eating your demanding trash In the winter of our world The conquest will lay frozen The battlegrounds shall swallow The resentment, the love, the desecration Fraud lays immaculate on his deathbed Hidden are the shadows The unfortunates of your mercy Rebel Nine-hundred-and-ninety-nine years Has the bounty of forgiveness lay in still agitation The rope burns Tug The musing of my thoughts, done The rope hangs me desperately The final rehearsal of life Lay me down in the fields of desperation Mark my passing in the waters of dejection Place my disquietude in the aggravation of love Into the solitude of horizon do I walk "heaven truley knows that thou art false as hell...one that loved not wisely,but too well..she swore..'twas a strange ,'twas passing strange"-othello |
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Android 17
since 2001-07-21
Posts 664Winnipeg |
Well Regina, I liked this...although, you wanted it broken down... I find myself loving lines, rather than disliking them. But something that caught my disappointment was how you ended off two lines with "hand". But, all in all...it was almost as though each line was it's own poem. Now, that was interesting---I don't mind, but to some that sometimes disjointedness could become hard to read. Me? I loved this---it reminded me of some sort of speech from a dark, gothic play or something. It's neat; I've never had a poem quite do that before. Keep it up, hun. Vekrdehk fyc dra uhmo drehk E fyc kuut yd...pid, yd maycd E ymfyoc vuikrd vun fryd E pameajat eh... |
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BrokenDreams Member
since 2003-02-09
Posts 425In The Clouds |
good poem, but rather...confusing? perhaps break it down into stanzas? just a thought. hope I helped. Jenn think about this: everyone you know will someday die. |
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