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Once more
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Once more |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
I am asking for advice on this poem because I plan to give it to someone soon. I think it really sux so instead of just saying how much you like it, could you please give suggestions to make it more emotional. Thnx in advance Once more. I wish that I could kiss you once more before I say Good-bye the forbidden touch of your tender lips pressed gently against my own I dream of nothing more then your "bubblegum" tongue, tastes so sweet caressing as it slips into my yearning mouth I count the beatings of your heart and measure your breath by the touch of your breast standing before me, wrapped in my arms Your eyes seducing my will away I want you now, more then ever and I know that you want me just as much but you won't let yourself "not again" you say "I'm happy now, I can't do this again" and I understand what it means to be your man, so I watch as you slowly walk away from me knowing I'll never find another quite like you How shall I remember you, Melissa? if not by the touch of thy lips. God I hate valentines day and I hate having to do this to her, but it's for her own good. I'm just causing her more problems then I'm worth. She was happy with Brett until she met me and now shes having panic attacks. It hurts me just as much, but I can't let her hurt herself, not over me. ex animo, Aaron Woodside IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI |
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
Ahh, Valentine's day...the girliest holiday of the year. Yeegh.  So, is it safe to assume, it being the girliest and lonliest holiday, that girls make people lonely and sad?  OH WOE!  Sucks to be me. ^^Anyway, I have to be honest and admit that I've read better from you. Though it is full of emotion and uhm...visual I feel that it is a bit...wallowy. o_O; The poem does not do the person justice. Does she even have a personality? The tone of this poem is too subjective. What you need to do is change it from subjective to objective in the sense that it focuses more on her than what you want. If you are going to give this poem to someone, you should think about them and not about your personal desires. Besides, girls love it when you talk about them. ^_~ *cough* There is no logic to this poem. You write about your desires, and suddenly, "I'll miss you." What, exactly, will you miss, other than the seductive ways of her body? The reader has no idea what this girl is like, or even what she means to you, unless you wish to convey this through ESP. Unfortunately, it only works in certain situations, like being in a Candy Store and staring at this display of Junior Mints until your mom buys a box for you...*cough cough* Uhh...you get my point. I'm not even going to talk about the psychology of the piece. It's much too lengthy and complicated. o_O; Overall, you have a very good way with words, but it's just the tone and the logic that you need to work on. Give the poem some worth, because the person receiving it is, no doubt, worth something to you. I apologize for being so critical on your poem and for making assumptions of you, subtle or not. But like I said, you have a way with words, so it's not everyday that I'm this opinionated. lol, nah. Don't worry, it's not your fault. I have my moments. x_X (Good Lord, take them awaaaay!) Keep writing! Leah  |
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
We meet again Aaron Woodside... I hate Valentines Day as well but since this seems important to you, I will do my best. Once more. "I wish that I could kiss you once more before I say Good-bye the forbidden touch of your tender lips pressed gently against my own" -Consider changing "my own" to "mine". Couldn't say why but it may flow a bit better and it's the same meaning. "I dream of nothing more then your "bubblegum" tongue, tastes so sweet caressing as it slips into my yearning mouth" -First off, that should be "than" not "then". Minor mistake. I don't really like this group much but it seems like it will still mean something to her... 'yearning mouth' sounds kind of... too simple? And the second line there you could consider revising because it has a lot of syllables comparatively. "I count the beatings of your heart and measure your breath" -That is amazing. Best lines of the whole bit if you ask me. "By the touch of your breast standing before me, wrapped in my arms Your eyes seducing my will away" -The top two are all right, and the last line is REALLY good. "I want you now, more then ever and I know that you want me just as much but you won't let yourself" -I like the first, the second is good but perhaps "want me just the same" instead of "just as much". The "ch" sound makes it 'ch'oppy. Maybe that's just me. The last line isn't amazing like some of your others, but that's not really the point of it either, so it's fine. "'not again' you say 'I'm happy now, I can't do this again'" -I like all of that except the "you say" seems to kind of break it. I have no other suggestion though so I can't help you much there. "and I understand what it means to be your man, so I watch as you slowly walk away from me knowing I'll never find another quite like you" - GREAT GREAT GREAT GREAT! sad... but great. "How shall I remember you, Melissa? if not by the touch of thy lips." -That's gorgeous, but maybe consider revising "thy". It sounds kind of... as though you are trying to impress her with your writing skills and not your heart. I don't know I don't think it's that big a deal but just a thought. That was good and good luck! I hope I didn't rip it apart to much... and thenagain what do i know? Not much. I hope I helped at least a wee bit! ~cassi~ |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
Ya thnx guys. I asked for honest opinions and I'm glad you gave them. Truth be told I was not happy with that at all. Not one bit. I'll even say it was kinda rushed. I'm just not good at actually writing poems FOR people. Back to the drawing board. ex animo, Aaron Woodside IN NOMINE PATRI ET FILII ET SPIRITUS SANCTI |
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