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Teen Poetry #6
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0 posted 2003-02-06 03:36 PM


I'm Sorry-

I'm sorry.
For coming into your life,
And violating you.
You had alot going on,
When we were together.
I wanted to help lighten your load,
But rather, I made it heavier.

I'm sorry.
I meant you no harm.
I came in the name of love,
And created a wake of pain.
I was much too young...
For feelings of that capacity.

I'm sorry.
The only thing I want,
Is to know I meant something to you...
As you did to me.
And whether or not,
You'll forgive me...

I'm sorry.
We shared so much, but I'd give it all to you.
My only wish in this life,
Is that you wouldn't have fallen in love.
So that you'd never have gotten hurt...
And I, can stop hating myself...

© Copyright 2003 Alex-lee Hryhorczuk - All Rights Reserved
Skyfire
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1 posted 2003-02-06 03:44 PM


Alex, hon, you know how I feel about this one. Definitely one of your best ones. I think because you've written from the heart, no holds barred.   Never stop writing hon

Monkey!!

Jenn Cirrincione
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2 posted 2003-02-06 03:55 PM


Awwww. Well that was heartfelt and beautiful. Time heals all wounds eventually. I'm sure she'll forgive you.

Jenn

"Now I'm convinced that he's heaven sent, and must be out of his mind- mama he's crazy, crazy over me."

chasing rain
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3 posted 2003-02-06 04:52 PM



Awww...

What happened?
Pollita
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4 posted 2003-02-06 05:01 PM


Aww alex!!!!
That was so sad, and I have a mayjor feeling I know who this is about, And I think she'll forgive you...hopefully.
And as for the poem---It was great. It made me cry!!!!!!!!!

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5 posted 2003-02-06 05:23 PM


Thanks for all the replies guys! I really appreciate them...as always, heh!

Raiden -
*nods* Hehe...Raiden, according to you---all my new poems are the best ones! ~.^ Heh---but thank you very much! I'll admit my last poem "Raver's Ecstacy II: Dance of Eternity" was kinda forced---and I was hoping to dominate that one, with something from the heart. And if writing this in tears, by the light of lava lamp wasn't enough---well, I don't know what is

Jenn -
It's not really a matter of her forgiving me---it's a matter of me, forgiving myself...

Leah -
Mmmm---this is a long story really. I've you on my MSN, so perhaps---

Delaney -
Well, you were close on your guess! Although making you cry isn't what I'm proud of---I guess due to the fact that it was a poem, it's okay!

---------------

Thanks to you all on your replies! I'll be sure to check out your works when I'm around!

Vekrdehk fyc dra uhmo drehk E fyc kuut yd...pid, yd maycd E ymfyoc vuikrd vun fryd E pameajat eh...

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6 posted 2003-02-06 05:28 PM


Alex my man, you've gone all soppy and soft!

I love it though seriously, this is so wonderfully written, but i'll be back to lavish you with praise when I've had another chance to read it

Andrew

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7 posted 2003-02-06 08:19 PM


Hahahahahaha!!! Andrew---I'm not sure whether or not "you've gone all soppy and soft!" is a compliment or an insult! Haha---either way, I loved it! ^_^

Hehehe---I'm glad YOU liked it! I was almost WAITING for you to pick it apart! ~.^ But yes, Mr.Zu---come when you're ready! ^^;

barbaraj
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8 posted 2003-02-08 09:11 PM


this was a great poem.

~You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in people, than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.~


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9 posted 2003-02-09 03:04 AM


thank you

Vekrdehk fyc dra uhmo drehk E fyc kuut yd...pid, yd maycd E ymfyoc vuikrd vun fryd E pameajat eh...

Marshalzu
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10 posted 2003-02-09 11:39 AM


quote:
I'm sorry.
For coming into your life,
And violating you.


First of all if you insist on having a comma on the second line then it would be advisable to not start the next line with “And”, though I guess you will probably remove the comma. If you do have “And” starting the third line, I would be tempted to make it “and”. The same would apply to “for”, “when”, “but”, “the”, “as”, “is” and “so”. Why? I hear you ask. Well I think that it would emphasise the apology. Obviously this is just my opinion and what I might do if this were my baby.

quote:
You had alot going on,
When we were together.
I wanted to help lighten your load,
But rather, I made it heavier.


First of all “alot” should be “a lot”. I think this section is well written apart from the last line, “But rather, I made it heavier”, to me that sounded a little bit odd, maybe slightly forced, other than that, the only thing that I thought might help would be to separate “I wanted to help lighten your load,” into two lines.

quote:
I'm sorry.
I meant you no harm.
I came in the name of love,
And created a wake of pain.
I was much too young...
For feelings of that capacity.


Again I have to point out the use of a comma followed by “And” in the third/fourth line of the stanza. I really enjoyed this stanza, it was well written and I can really relate to it, the only thing that bugged me was the last (two) line(s), which felt slightly awkward. I think it was the use of “Capacity”, I think it has it’s place, but I wouldn’t recommend it in this context.

quote:
I'm sorry.
The only thing I want,
Is to know I meant something to you...
As you did to me.
And whether or not,
You'll forgive me...


This stanza was extremely awkward to read, especially the third line, I think this might benefit from some re-working, having said that I enjoyed what you said and once again I can relate to it.

quote:
I'm sorry.
We shared so much, but I'd give it all to you.
My only wish in this life,
Is that you wouldn't have fallen in love.
So that you'd never have gotten hurt...
And I, can stop hating myself...


I’d suggest splitting up the second line of this stanza into two lines, in the third line, I would also drop “this”, which seems to be a bit unnecessary. The rest of this stanza felt awkward to read, once again what you say is wonderful, how it is said is a little confusing and in places not very easy on the eyes. I guess I only have one thing left to say which would be to drop the “…”, used once or twice they can be effective but five times?

I guess I haven’t exactly lavished you with praise but I’m not quite finished, although I pointed a few things out they really didn’t stand out until I read the poem again. I still think this is a wonderful read, It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to relate to a piece on this kind of level and although there are a few things that I would change, it is a perfectly good piece without my meddling. I only hope that you continue to write such wonderful poetry and that you keep on sharing it with us.

My Violent Bedtime Stories

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11 posted 2003-02-09 09:22 PM


I'm allowed to think all your new ones are your best hehe. It's one of my perrogatives (sp?) as your sista.

Monkey!!

Ina
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12 posted 2003-02-09 09:30 PM


i enjoyed the poem, very outthere...and very sad...it reminded me of someone who believes himself insensitive. anyways
beautiful poem

Regina

"heaven truley knows that thou art false as hell...one that loved not wisely,but too well..she swore..'twas a strange ,'twas passing strange"-othello

cherish
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13 posted 2003-02-09 10:38 PM


I honestly don't think you'll ever stop hating yourself for it.

What you CAN do however, is to learn to overcome it. I'll be here for you, you know that darling.

Congratulations! It's a bisexual!

Smoothy
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The dark side of the moon
14 posted 2003-02-10 03:58 AM


Jeez, I stop checking in for a while and what happens? You guys try and slip a good piece like this past me?

Love conquers all, so I must be in a losing battle.

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15 posted 2003-02-10 01:55 PM


Wow...you sound like my ex-boyfriend. This sounds like something he would write if only he could write poetry! This was amazing...very well written I loved it!

Standing on the edge of the world
Now I don’t want you to catch me
I want you to let me
Stand up here and walk on my own

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16 posted 2003-02-10 03:04 PM


Jeez, *I* leave for like 5 days---and I get a crud load more replies! Hehehe... Thank you all for your replies!

And Andrew, you just LOVE picking apart my work---don't you? ~.^

Vekrdehk fyc dra uhmo drehk E fyc kuut yd...pid, yd maycd E ymfyoc vuikrd vun fryd E pameajat eh...

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17 posted 2003-02-15 05:59 PM


I read this some time ago, but couldn't feel anything I wanted to write in response, so I stayed silient. I read it again, and again, just now.... it's a beautiful poem. As far as feelings, emotions, how real it feels.... basically, whether or not it matters in the end to the reader, it is one of your best. As far as it is, poetry-wise, I think you've done better. For one thing, I'm not too big a fan of repeating a phrase as often as you repeated "I'm sorry." The thing is, would it have been as true to what you were feeling as it is in it's current form if you had written it any different?

Doesn't matter. I enjoyed it; very, very heartfelt.

~Titus

Es ist gut, daß das Leben die Toten studieren sollte.

BabieDoll
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18 posted 2003-02-15 07:32 PM


Great poem. I wish I could write like that.

~J.Lynn

"In life you must dance like no one is watching, sing like no one is listening and love like it's never going to hurt..."

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19 posted 2003-02-16 02:20 AM


Awww---thanks you too! Hehehe...and Ti, I'm not one for rules of poetry, anyways! :P
vlraynes
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20 posted 2003-02-20 07:59 PM



Alex~
I would have sworn I had already replied to this.
I've read it a few times before, and I meant to reply,
but apparently I hadn't done so yet.  I apologize
for being so late getting to it.
Anyway...you've done an excellent job on this one.
I have to agree with Rhonda.  You do some of your best
writing when you write from the heart, and this is
most definitely from your heart.
Wonderfully done, Alex.
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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21 posted 2003-02-22 02:16 AM


Hawwww...thanks Vicky! Hehehe---I guess this poem just refuses to die! ~.^ Thanks you ALL for reading and replying!

Vekrdehk fyc dra uhmo drehk E fyc kuut yd...pid, yd maycd E ymfyoc vuikrd vun fryd E pameajat eh...

~*BayBee*~
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22 posted 2003-04-09 08:53 PM


OMIGOSH! This is a great poem! This is just like me and mah Ex boyfriend's relationship... Great writing!
peachesNcream
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23 posted 2003-04-09 10:24 PM


Great..just great! I can't think of anything else to say! ~Jess

"Poetry, she thought, wasn't written to be analyzed; it was meant to inspire without reason, to touch without understanding." -Nicholas Sparks

BrokenDreams
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24 posted 2003-04-09 10:37 PM


Honestly this is the best thing I've read in quite a while. It was beautiful, completely heartfelt, and completely awesome. geez I've got tears in my eyes and well that doesn't usually happen just from reading a poem. I too have been in that situation where I hate myself for hurting the one I love. I hope someday it gets better for me, you, and anyone else in that position because i know how much it hurts.
Jenni

You are what you make yourself to be.

A.L
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25 posted 2003-04-10 01:30 AM


Your poem was so great! I know this feeling all too well...
*Why do we fall in love, when love will only tear us apart*

-Ali-

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26 posted 2003-04-10 06:37 AM


ALEX!!!!!! WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU BEEN!!!! i never see you on yahoo but someone tells me that you are on there did ya get a new email or something? i miss talking to ya!! email me ok!
robin

i am who i am and that's all that i am and all i shall ever be and if you don't like who i am then leave!

frolicking dolphin
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27 posted 2003-04-10 03:11 PM


That was so emotional and sad, but beautiful at the same time, Great Poem

~*~Karen~*~

~Dream like you'll live forever,live like you'll die tomorrow~

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28 posted 2003-04-10 05:13 PM


Wow, I never expected this poem to get so much attention. I posted this up, so long ago! Wow---thank you ALL for your support and your comments. I love ya'll...THANKIES!!! ^_^

And yes, this kinda situation sucks...but hey, it can be conquered. Thank you all! This encourages me to write more!

The world is good, and nothing bad ever happens!

Riley
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29 posted 2003-04-10 10:17 PM


Alex,
  How long has it been since I read something from you. Ah, the whole relationship thing. Boy it sucks don't it. Yea I have a lot to update on my relation calender ( which is overflowing btw ) but anywho, boy this was good.  I love it. It reminds me of something someone would write while sitting in the corner of a dark room alone. Ah, love that feeling. I really liked this. I just needed something like that to read, just to get me thinking again ( I am having one of those brain things where you just can't think worth crap. ) Anywho, I complement you on a job well done on this poem. I absoluty ( I know I can't spell bare with me ) loved it.


riley

Windows stained with the fog, words written in by a girl.

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30 posted 2003-04-11 03:14 PM


Three cheers for bumping? LoL.

Hi Alex.

~Titus

"On the plains of Hesitation lie the blackend bones of countless millions, who, at the verge of victory, sat down to wait, and waiting - died."
    

chasing rain
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31 posted 2003-04-11 06:33 PM


*burp*

Hehehe. Okay, I can't remember if I commented on this one yet...I probably haven't. No biggie. I didn't really feel much personally, but it's nothing against your poem or you. I guess I just have to be in that situation (and I'm naturally a bitter, cynical person...) but nonetheless, it was a very to-the-point poem that said exactly how you were feeling and sometimes, that's just the best road to take when you write. I question your comma use on the last line though. I felt that the last line just fell off a cliff and drowned somewhere with the comma, correct or not. I suggest taking it out to give it a better flow and effect.

Hope to see you posting more! You've been absent lately.

Leah
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32 posted 2003-04-13 04:11 AM


Riley, Ti, Leah---it's nice to see old-schoolers like you three reply consecutively to my poem. Hehe, no offense to the others of course. Thank you ALL!

The world is good, and nothing bad ever happens!

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