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PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

0 posted 2003-02-02 02:52 PM

Note: Should I change the format, and add stanza breaks?

You label me a liar
because I question,
not only you but us all.
I try and stay sober,
to label you a coward.
Who's winning in the end?
The coward breathing
or the liar ceasing?
Why bother staying sober?
Can we truly change?
My belief in dreams is fading,
fading into my crevice of despair;
for I label you a liar:
the decadence does drown me.

[This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (02-02-2003 02:53 PM).]

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

1 posted 2003-02-02 03:14 PM

This was a really cool poem! I like it alot.
I think the format is fine the way it is.

WinterWren
"Even a fool knows that we cannot touch the stars, but that doesn't keep the wise from trying."

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

2 posted 2003-02-02 03:26 PM

Titus-man!

Definately one of your better works. And no, don't even think about putting in stanza breaks. If you do, you run the chance of ruining the flow and thought connection.
What format? Change? Bleh, no.
What I like about your writing is that you expose a lot about human nature, and it's interesting to see how you incoporate your ideas about the subject into poetry.
Well done!

Leah

barbaraj
Member

since 2003-01-24

Posts 139
Nova Scotia, Canada

3 posted 2003-02-02 05:01 PM

this was a good poem. i agree that you should leave the poem as is.

~You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in people, than you can in two years by trying to get people interested in you.~

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

4 posted 2003-02-02 05:08 PM

quote:
You label me a liar
because I question,
not only you but us all.
I try and stay sober,
to label you a coward.

A really nice opening, I’m not sure I’m following your train of thought but it’s well
written none the less.

quote:
Who's winning in the end?

This line has to be noticeable, my suggestion would be to have this line by itself, otherwise
it might well be lost. I’d also love to see it repeated at the end of the poem, but heh thats
just me.

quote:
The coward breathing
or the liar ceasing?
Why bother staying sober?
Can we truly change?
My belief in dreams is fading,
fading into my crevice of despair;
for I label you a liar:
the decadence does drown me.

This section is really well written though I might be tempted to break it up a little, the only
problem I had was with the last line, which just just made me cringe, I’m sorry but I felt
that it was very poor writing. Anyway thanks for sharing it with us, hope to see more of
your work soon.

Andrew

My Violent Bedtime Stories

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

5 posted 2003-02-02 08:46 PM

Thanks, everyone.

Leah, you noticed. I'm so stoked... you described my poetry well. Better then I've been able to.

Thank you, so much.

Andrew.... about the last line... too melodramatic? Because I like what I'm saying in it, I just wasn't sure myself if it was too.... bleh... you know?

~Titus

Es ist gut, daß das Leben die Toten studieren sollte.

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

6 posted 2003-02-03 12:30 PM

Mister Titus, you write like an inspired poet... wait a minute... ack. Forget it. You rock.

Kielo

I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing.

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

7 posted 2003-02-03 06:04 PM

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