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Teen Poetry #6
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1 5 120 7,200 432,000
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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1 5 120 7,200 432,000 |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
I spilled a tear or two on Sunday Don't know why, I couldn't control it I didn't want you to go But I knew you couldn't stay I helped you with your bags I got you all loaded up Then you left, and you may not know this... But I cried the whole 14 miles, the whole 21 minutes to Dorr Street. I've crunched the numbers It's boiled down to this... 1 week I can't see you cute freckled face 5 days without holding you, and smelling that lavender 120 hours I won't see your smile that gives me strength 7,200 minutes that I'll think about you And 432,000 seconds my heart will ache missing you A week is an eternity when you're in love I know we've had rocky times... rockier times I don't want that anymore I want to just put it all behind Put it in the past... and when you come back We can fall in love all over again I promise and thats all I can do You know what I realized, on monday morning That the little things are what get me through the day. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Sam Prond - All Rights Reserved | |||
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
Not bad at all. I like how you used time. I think you could go a little further with it, maybe with just one revision of small word choice, but the idea and the terms are good with a nice theme and good organization. I like the last line. Nice write. |
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Cinderelly Member
since 2001-12-31
Posts 189NM, USA |
I love the way you broke it down in time . . . Anyway, great poem!  |
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Ina Senior Member
since 2000-10-09
Posts 1236Quebec, Canada |
a week can seem like forever, can't it? wow, it really was like *boom* that if you think of everything is seconds or hours..life can seem very long and sad, sometimes. I thought it wasn't a bad poem but as someone else said..perhaps..you could add a little? Regina "heaven truley knows that thou art false as hell...one that loved not wisely,but too well..she swore..'twas a strange ,'twas passing strange"-othello |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
I loved this... The way you broke down the numbers was excellent. Kielo I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing. |
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WindSong Member
since 2002-12-23
Posts 313Long Island, New York |
Wow...Wow...Great...Wow...I'm speechless...This is what I felt when my exboyfriend (boyfriend at the time) moved away...It hurt so bad. He moved MILES away...Two days away...It was a horrible expeirence...Him and I are pretty good friends, my friend wishes we were more, but it's all good...Back to your poem, I LOVED IT! Alright, I admit. It made me melt. Right down to the numbers. The second stanza, if I had to choose, is definately my favorite. OMG THIS WAS AWESOME!!!! But, shhhh it's a Library piece...Have to be quiet...THANK YOU! ~*~Kirah~*~ I lie all the time - infact Im lieing right now! |
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xShUgArHiGhx 
since 2000-09-26
Posts 3150tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs |
Beautifully written...i hope everything works out for you and your love on the day of their return. Standing on the edge of the world |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Darkness~ I really enjoyed reading this one. I love the way you broke down the time into days, hours, minutes, etc...very creative. Very nicely done. ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Yes, it really comes down to those seconds...the littlest blocks of time will stick the longest in your memory banks. I enjoyed the read. |
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