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Eromyna
Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 306
Pheonix, AZ, USA

0 posted 2003-01-27 09:54 PM

No one sang, or went insane
They only danced in acid rain
They poured themselves away
and swallowed their decay

It's almost light enough to see
so turn your face away from me
Watch the sun dissolve at sea
Your blood will make us clean

"I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation."

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

1 posted 2003-01-29 05:57 PM

The second stanza was very very good. I didn't particularly care for the first one, especially the "insane" line, it just seemed not too well thought out or just poured onto the paper. Otherwise, nice idea and good write.

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

2 posted 2003-01-30 09:13 AM

I must admit that the title drew me to this and while it wasn't what I was expecting it is still, nonetheless, a fairly sound base for expansion. The rhyme seems very bland or, for lack of a better word, basic. You're writing about a darker side of life, delve into it. It feels like you're leaving out crucial elements that should be included so perhaps read through it a few times and see what you can come up with.

I do like what you've got here but it never hurts to revise pieces just to add that little bit more. Thanks for posting and I hope to see more.

~AF~

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note." -- Gore Vidal

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

3 posted 2003-01-30 01:04 PM

Thank your for sharing such wonderful poems, I am a little puzzled as to why you didn't stick to the same rhyme scheme in both stanza's though. Keep on sharing

Andrew

Eromyna
Member

since 2002-11-29

Posts 306
Pheonix, AZ, USA

4 posted 2003-01-30 10:23 PM

Actually, these are just random stanzas I wrote seperately and stuck together because they seemded to be on similar themes. I agree that the words are basic and they only scratch the surface, but they're supposed to be that way. Just a snack.

"I don't need to scream for you to deem me aggravation."

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