Lying with Disdain - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

0 posted 2003-01-27 12:23 PM

Note: Normally, I don't do notes, but I wanted to say this piece doesn't neccessarily have anything to do with reality. I wrote it more as a generalized piece about relationships, a skeleton on which you can create your own ideas concerning them (i.e. the relationships). I'm not sure if the random yet connected thoughts form into a coherant piece of poetry, but please, take from it what you may.

I want you to remain,
please let me keep this stain,
it's worth the demand of pain,
because I'm already slain.

Will you remember?
More then our cold December?
Our good memories don't dismember.
Stay strong, don't surrender.

As we lie in this bed,
trapped by our hearts of lead,
feeling this society has misled,
please don't leave this bed.

Life's a pisser, maybe,
love only for the crazy.
Just living demands insanity.
You never pretended to be a lady.

I want you to remain,
for I'm already slain.
I want you to remain,
lying in this bed with disdain.

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

1 posted 2003-01-27 12:26 PM

*grin* I like it. I must say, I've seen other things written by you that I preferred by far, but that is most likely because I can relate better to others.

Yet again, Titus, a great poem from you.

Kielo

I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing.

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

2 posted 2003-01-27 12:49 PM

I like it! Some of your others I like better but I like almost all of the work that I've read from you so far. this one can be interpreted(sp??) many ways and I love that in a poem.

People always ask me why I don't look toward my future I tell them to many interesting things are happening today.
~Bella~

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

3 posted 2003-01-27 12:54 PM

I do like the idea behind it. I like the idea very much. I did feel though, that the rhyming was taking over the poem. Perhaps a less structured format would work better, because I honestly had to force myself to read the entire poem. It was because of the rhyming that I had to force myself. It was like each line was screaming, "look at me, I'm a rhyme!", and I found it VERY difficult to follow. Again though, the idea behind it is just awesome. You got the talent, now just let it flow without worrying about structure

barbaraj
Member

since 2003-01-24

Posts 139
Nova Scotia, Canada

4 posted 2003-01-27 09:56 AM

i loved this poem. maybe even more than some others of yours that i've read. i liked the rhyming--i don't think the poem would have worked without it. it just seemed to fit in an odd sort of way.

A Person Who Asks A Question Is A Fool For Five Minutes, A Person Who Doesn't Is A Fool Forever ...

XxGrAcIexX
New Member

since 2003-01-27

Posts 3
PA

5 posted 2003-01-27 06:13 PM

This poem was great

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

6 posted 2003-01-28 12:12 PM

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

Grace, what else do you think?

Did the poem say anything to you? Did you like the style in which it was written?

~Titus

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
--Aldous Huxley

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

7 posted 2003-01-29 08:01 AM

Ehhh, Ti. I can see what you were going for but in my opinion you can do a lot better than this. The idea is there but you really haven't conveyed it in the amazing way that you normally do. The rhyme seems *really* forced and the meter is out. I find it hard to enjoy the piece when it doesn't flow properly.

Bleh, I'm being evil and nasty and whatnot. Maybe revise it or something? I just know that you are capable of something a lot better than this.

~AF~

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note." -- Gore Vidal

Child of the Stars

Senior Member

since 2000-09-07

Posts 1658
Ann Arbor, MI

8 posted 2003-01-29 10:23 AM

Oh good...Widabeff said everything I was going to say.

Now I won't seem so mean.

My first thought: "come on!" The first/last stanzas were quite..forced, yeah. The others not so much, but still. That repetition of "bed" didn't do much for the third stanza..

The entire piece was also pretty distant. I know that it isn't always easy to produce a piece that everyone will relate to, but my personal philosophy is that if you feel it, other people might feel it too. Maybe try that direction once in a while?

Especially when doing this type of piece.

I did really like the fourth stanza, though. It really stands out.

It's just so random yet connected in that weird A Wooden Sea way. (novel by Jonathan Carroll) Whoa, I just read your note...must have gotten in there subconsciously..

Alright, end rant, end rant. Keep writing, boy!

  ~Carly

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may,
   Old Time is still a-flying,
And this same flower that smiles to-day
   To-morrow will be dying."
               ~Robert Herrick

[This message has been edited by Child of the Stars (01-29-2003 10:25 AM).]

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

9 posted 2003-01-29 05:36 PM

Wow, a tough crowd, but a lot of valid points, it wasn't my favourite from you by far but it showed some of your great talent off

Andrew

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

10 posted 2003-01-29 06:40 PM

So I can't rhyme.

~Titus

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
--Aldous Huxley

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

11 posted 2003-01-30 03:57 AM

I wouldn't say that at all, because you so obviously can, my suggestion is to read the poem aloud. You will see what is wrong much more easily that way

My Violent Bedtime Stories

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.