Teen Poetry #6 |
Miracle Named You |
Alnilam Member
since 2003-07-04
Posts 75 |
Careening through the emptiness Swaying on through life Where my destiny takes me Through the pain and strife I wish I could forsee Or determine the oncoming end Who or what I will be How this life, I'll spend My dreams, so gentle So innocently built Came crashing and Falling with guilt Spiraling, tumbling through This abysmal void Wanting to grab on to Someone to save my fall When I had nothing left No reason left to fight No hopes or dreams or wishes But a desperate prayer in the night An I could only think Nothing will come my way I closed my eyes to blink And now I can really say A miracle happened to me A miracle named you. I wrote this a long time ago, and I keep bringing it out and trying to fix the rhyme. If you have any suggestions I would appreciate it. |
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blueyedlioness Member
since 2003-04-24
Posts 289USA |
First of all, welcome... I'm so glad you decided to come share your poetry with us! What an honor to be the first. Nice choice for a first post... you seem to have been writing for quite awhile. I see what you mean about the rhyme... the only real problem is in the fourth verse. Errmmmmm... unfortunately, I have no suggestions. You may have to change that entire paragraph to make it work... I hate to say that, because I rather like what it says. But not much rhymes with "void." One thing you could try... imperfect rhyme. Say... "void" and "fall" are pretty far away from even sounding alike. But "void" and words like "stood" and "good" are pretty close. Whew, okay. Maybe I did have suggestions. Rambling post of the day done with, I love your poetry and I can't wait to read more! -Lioness |
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dertah Senior Member
since 2003-06-18
Posts 584 |
i feel your compassion. nice work |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Hi welcome to Passions! What a great choice for a first post here, I look forward to seeing more of your work around here I don't know of anything that would fix up the fourth stanza, but there again I don't really have a problem with it, I thought it was a great twist from format Anyway, great to read this! Skyfire - Moderator, Passions in Poetry PS> check your email for a special greeting It is said the Creator has taken a handful of South Wind and given each newborn Arabian the power of flight without wings |
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