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Teen Poetry #6
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*Belabebeautiful*
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Senior Member
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696
washington, USA

0 posted 2003-01-03 05:54 PM


I am the tree that grows all alone
I am the queen with no knight near my throne
I am lonely when you aren't here
I am nothing without you near

I am a single in a world full of pairs
I'm the only truth and surrounded by dares
I am a lion who's lost all its pride
I am so alone when you're not at my side

I'm the only branch mixed in with trees
I'm just a flower swaying alone in the breeze
I am deaf in a world full of sound
I am worthless without you around

I am one wren in a group full of doves
I am pain surrounded by love
I am imprisioned while the rest are all free
I'm praying that you'll come back to me

I am the sad one, alone in the crowd
I am the quiet while the rest are all loud
I am a candle that can no longer burn
I am empty...untill you return

well what does everybody think?

Live and laugh and make sure to always have Bella Amor (beautiful love)
~Bella~

© Copyright 2003 Bella - All Rights Reserved
aries_luv_ppl
Senior Member
since 2001-09-20
Posts 1448
Universal Mind
1 posted 2003-01-03 06:03 PM


maybe less "I am"? I'm not good at commenting stuff, so don't count mine.

Anyway, I like each line has a contrast...and maybe "I am" would work here, if you elaborate your feeling more than just the contrast comparison. Maybe add a line after each contrast...to describe your feeling. This is just my humble opinion.

Eliza Simmons
~Sometimes when I look back at what I wrote, I don't recognize the 'Me' in the past anymore.

[This message has been edited by aries_luv_ppl (01-03-2003 06:03 PM).]

*Belabebeautiful*
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Senior Member
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696
washington, USA
2 posted 2003-01-04 01:41 AM


Hey! thanks for your comments I'll see if I can work on it!

Live and laugh and make sure to always have Bella Amor (beautiful love)
~Bella~

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