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Heavens Tears

Senior Member

since 2001-03-15

Posts 677

0 posted 2002-12-28 09:23 PM

I stood in a field of flowers
all blooming the brightest colors
and painted my own life black and white.
Wrong or right
There is no room for mediocre
Only failure and success.
But as the black night swallowed all color from the world
I realized that even the darkest nights allowed for shades of grey.

I'm still not happy with this one. Something about the flow maybe... not sure, but if anyone has any suggestions, they'd be greatly appreciated.

*Me*
I'm pasteing my smile back on just to please you... I always knew Elmer's glue was good for something...

[This message has been edited by Heavens Tears (12-28-2002 09:24 PM).]

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

1 posted 2002-12-28 09:27 PM

I always love your stuff, everything you write down to your username. I really like the last line of this:

"I realized that even the darkest nights allowed for shades of grey."

As for your problems with the flow... READ IT OUT LOUD! maybe that will let you hear what you see wrong with it! I personally think it could be the word "swallowed",

"But as the black night swallowed all color from the world"

but what do I know? heh, not much i promise. As always, just a suggestion. I really like it though... so don't change too much.

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

2 posted 2002-12-29 11:13 PM

I dunno, if you want my opinion, it's great the way it is... but we are all our own toughest critic. When I have problems with flow, I resort to making lines the same or alternating syllable lengths. WEll, thats just me. Personally, I liked it just the way it is!

"You can't hurt meee!! 'Cause I've got on my cheeeeese helmet!"

Stinky Twinkie
Member

since 2002-11-26

Posts 204
Dinwiddie

3 posted 2002-12-30 12:07 PM

I liked this one too. The last line is nothing short of extraordinary. Nice work.

-Stinky Twinkie-

LTEvans
Member

since 2002-12-06

Posts 72
Lenham, England

4 posted 2002-12-30 03:20 AM

great poem

Solipsism saves us from the atavism of the Equalitarian.

LTEvans

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

5 posted 2003-01-03 06:25 PM

Heavens Tears~
Oh...I REALLY like this one.
I especially love these lines...

   "I stood in a field of flowers
    all blooming the brightest colors
    and painted my own life black and white."

Excellent...I just love the image of this,
as well as the 'feel' of it.
Very well penned.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

roxywrestlegirl04
Member

since 2002-10-29

Posts 74
good ole DINWIDDIE

6 posted 2003-01-07 09:54 AM

GOOD JOB..........i dont know what to say to make it better but i know that it is GOOD...luv ya lotz gurly!!

LIZ

live,love,and die...but take RISKS..thatz what makes life worth the living, love worth the heartache,and death the new beginning!

PoeTik JusTice
Member

since 2003-01-05

Posts 186
California, USA

7 posted 2003-01-07 01:11 PM

Good poem, I really like it how it is! Nice work!

XoXo Love Alwayz XoXo
*~Serena~*
"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love, and be loved in return." --Moulin Rouge

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

8 posted 2003-01-09 07:25 AM

quote:
I stood in a field of flowers
all blooming the brightest colors
and painted my own life black and white.

Wow... these lines are incredible, you create such wonderful imagery with your words and in so few lines, thank you for sharing this with us

Andrew

rimmie
Junior Member

since 2002-08-09

Posts 45
Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

9 posted 2003-01-10 03:10 PM

Hey!

I loved it and feel that it just perfectly fine the way that it is right now! My oppinion is that it really reflects how many people feel about not only themselves but also life in general! Keep up the good job.

~RuZ~

lil cherry
Member

since 2002-10-02

Posts 86
Ont, Can.

10 posted 2003-01-11 01:32 PM

"Life is made up of black and white; consisting only of shades of grey"

this was a good poem, but i'll agree that the flow should be worked on a little, the suggestiong to read it out loud is a good one, that's what i always try to do.
~~*lil cherry*~~

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

11 posted 2003-01-11 09:30 PM

Great poem! I don't what it is that really struck me about this one, but it's just wonderful! Well done!

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change?" -Dishwalla-

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