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HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

0 posted 2002-12-23 10:21 AM

The Flame burns
deep inside
heart yearns
for wings to glide

Chains bind
wings to flesh
Coils wind
forming the mesh

Heart beats
soft and slow
Great feats!
in strength they grow

Chains break
unable to hold
what strength it takes
to break their gold

Wings unfold
fly to highest heights
From dark and cold
to the brightest lights

Lights shining down
from the golden sun
Love shining down
from my angel one

************************************************
Well, here's a first for me, I don't remember why I wrote this or when.All I know is a friend saw me do it and it's in my handwriting.I vaguely remember writing it.. well, it's almost 2 years old... Hope you enjoy it!

[This message has been edited by HopelessRomanticGuy (12-23-2002 10:26 AM).]

CloudedDreams
Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 210
My Fantasy Realm

1 posted 2002-12-23 10:24 AM

That is really, really pretty. I love the way the words rhyme and flow. Good Job! XD

Stinky Twinkie
Member

since 2002-11-26

Posts 204
Dinwiddie

2 posted 2002-12-23 11:21 AM

yeah, what CloudedDreams said ^^^^

FireInYourEyes
New Member

since 2002-12-20

Posts 9

3 posted 2002-12-23 11:28 AM

hey-i really enjoyed the metaphors that you used in this poem.  the idea is really nice and it has a great flow.  as for criticism, one thing that really distracted me as I was reading it was the "!" in the 3rd stanza 3rd line.  it drew away from the melancholy mood that i got from the poem.  also, in the 4th stanza;
"Chains break                                                         unable to hold                                                       what strength it takes                                                   to break their gold"
the last line doesn't really fit with the flow.  in general, this is a completely metaphorical and broad poem, and the addition of the word "gold" doesn't really work.  maybe you could try using "mold", and that would still work with the rhyme scheme.  also, the 4th and 5th stanzas have the same rhyme syllables "hold, gold, unfold, cold".  i felt it kind of threw off the rhythm, but that could just be me.  and finally (sorry!!!!), instead of saying "from my angel one" in the last line, how about "from my angelic one".  sorry if it sounded like i was ripping the poem apart, but truthfully, i really liked it.  i look forward to reading more of your writing!

roxywrestlegirl04
Member

since 2002-10-29

Posts 74
good ole DINWIDDIE

4 posted 2002-12-23 11:50 AM

that was a GREAT poem....i loved it!! i didnt think guys could rite poetry like this!! good job...keep it up!!

LIZ

live,love,and die...but take RISKS..thatz what makes life worth the living, love worth the heartache,and death the new beginning!

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

5 posted 2002-12-23 01:55 PM

Hey this was really great! I always enjoy your poems. They are writen so well.Good job on this one..and I hope to see more soon!
*Allison*

"O My love
Please don`t cry
I`ll wash my bloody hands
And well start a new life"
-Good Charlotte

Rainbowdust
Member

since 2002-12-05

Posts 320
Sydney, Australia

6 posted 2002-12-23 06:59 PM

I've got a new fave poem from ya Rich.. this was beautiful and vivid and unforgettable. Great work!

The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears.

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