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Teen Poetry #6
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OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245


0 posted 2002-12-22 07:18 PM


This needs work. Constructive Criticism strongly encouraged.

Trust is the mouth of the river of truth
As we travel to old from our youth
We try to find that river to stream
And find what lies beneath the dream.

Under deep waters I finally find
The secret held inside your mind
And from the truth, the true trusting test,
A promise is made unknown to the rest.

And now I have found in this river so deep
A truth within me and truths I must keep.
I have swallowed it's water and laid on the shore
And so with these truths I am trusted forevermore.

© Copyright 2002 OtherSideOfTheMirror - All Rights Reserved
jennilynn
Junior Member
since 2002-11-11
Posts 29
here with me
1 posted 2002-12-22 07:25 PM


I wouldn't change anything. I think is good the way it is. I like the metaphor in this. Good write!

~jenni~

"who stepped on your brain?"-my friend Katie

~everything happens for a reason. you just have to figure out what that reason is~

CloudedDreams
Member
since 2002-11-23
Posts 210
My Fantasy Realm
2 posted 2002-12-22 07:31 PM


I agree
OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245

3 posted 2002-12-22 07:56 PM


Thank you both, but specifically one thing I always have trouble with is punctuation. Any tips on how I can add that? Most of my lines aren't because I never know where one should stop and the other start... Any ideas are greatly appreciated.
Rainbowdust
Member
since 2002-12-05
Posts 320
Sydney, Australia
4 posted 2002-12-22 08:29 PM


Personally, when I write poetry, I only add punctuation if there are lines which are too vague and ambiguous, and I don't think there are any lines like that in this poem. Also, sometimes over punctuation can draw emphasis away from what you're actually trying to say or just unecessarily overcomplicate things.

If you still want to add some though, I'd put a semi colon at the end of S1 L1 (stanza 1, line 1), a comma after S1 L2, and commas at the end of S2 L1, S3 L1 and one at the end of the second last line.

Hope this helped; you might want to post it in the critical analysis forum if you wanted more in depth comments!

The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears.

aaron woodside
Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256

5 posted 2002-12-23 12:11 PM


Well I'll give it my best shot since you were so kind to help me on my poem over in the Crit forum.  Mind you, I'm a pretty bad poet, so don't take what I have to say to heart.

"Trust is the mouth of the river of truth
As we travel to old from our youth"

I really like these two lines right from the start.  When I first read it, I didn't like the first line about trust and truth, but the more I read it the more I agreed with it.
For to be really truthful with someone, you must trust them.

"We try to find that river to stream
And find what lies beneath the dream."

You are continuing with the river analogy, which is good because it fits, but then you switch to a dream.  You started the poem off with trust, truth, and water.  I don't see how a dream fits in, except to make it fit the rhyme.

"Under deep waters I finally find
The secret held inside your mind"

Now you switch right back to the water/river theme, which is good. I like it.  I think that trust and truth are like a river flowing between two people.  If one puts up a dam, then the trust is gone.  Now the way I read the next sentence is that you struggled to find the "secret" or truth, which would imply that their is no trust there.  Maybe you intended it this way maybe not. I'm not sure.

"And from the truth, the true trusting test,
A promise is made unknown to the rest."

I like the whole concept of these two lines, implying that you found the truth/secret and made a promise to not tell it.  I did not like the multiple TTT's much.  The tongue twister seemed to distract from what you were trying to get across.  You got away from the wtare theme this stanza but that's alright because you were expressing the other themes of the poem, truth and trust.

"And now I have found in this river so deep
A truth within me and truths I must keep."

Amazing, my favorite lines.  Not only did you find the truth/secret from them, but you also found out something about yourself.  You also seem to realize that their secret is just as important as yours is.  I really liked these lines.

"I have swallowed it's water and laid on the shore
And so with these truths I am trusted forevermore."

Take everything I said about the last lines and apply it to these two as well.  They are simply amazing.  You manage to still use the 3 themes of trust, truth, and water and mix them together.  The entire last stanza was really good.

Hope you don't feel I ripped into it harshly but you asked for constructive crit, and I do appreicate your help from before.  Hope this helped.

ex animo,
Aaron Woodside

There are no great men, only men in great circumstances.

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member
since 2001-08-17
Posts 495
LI, New York
6 posted 2002-12-23 09:29 AM


Well, I don't see much I could say that hasen't been said as far as ideas to help you, and I'm as bad with punctuation as you claim to be, so I'm no help there either.  Personaly, I agree with the first to replies, it was great as it was, and there was not much need to fix it.  I thought it was great the way it was written.

"You can't hurt meee!!  'Cause I've got on my cheeeeese helmet!"

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245

7 posted 2002-12-24 12:12 PM


Thank you all for the punctuation help! And I'm glad you liked it! Thanks Aaron, and nice job on your poem as well!

much luv and much thanks
OtherSideOfTheMirror

WindSong
Member
since 2002-12-23
Posts 313
Long Island, New York
8 posted 2002-12-25 07:17 PM


I think it was great, as well. Nothing needs to be changed. Good job!
WinterWren
Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044
...Coming to
9 posted 2002-12-26 08:44 PM


I really like this one, yep, lots. I wouldn't change anything either.

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change?" -Dishwalla-

aaron woodside
Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256

10 posted 2002-12-27 12:58 PM


Ya make me look like the bad guy cuz I said to change some stuff.     ohh well.

ex animo,
Aaron Woodside

There are no great men, only men in great circumstances.

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245

11 posted 2002-12-27 01:59 PM


You? The bad guy? Nah... I want to change some of it but I wrote it so long ago the thought is completely gone. I don't usually see what I write as something I did, because I write the words but it's more like I'm just the one they came to first... and yeah uh now they're gone. I tried to write some last night and was entirely unsuccessful, so maybe I'll try again in a week or so.  

Wow, I sound like a total psycho... the words just come from those voices in my head... right Cassi... right...

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...
12 posted 2002-12-28 12:24 PM



Cassi~
I really enjoyed reading this piece.
Aaron had some good suggestions, but I would
also have to agree that it is a great write just as it is.
I'm glad you've decided to join our family of friends,
and I hope to see lots more from you.
~Vicky

"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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