»
Archives
»
Teen Poetry #6
»
And I Was Sober Last Night, Too
| Teen Poetry #6 |
|
And I Was Sober Last Night, Too |
|
Skyfire 
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding 
|
Conflicting interests shape my mind. I get personal with myself and admit that love and care are battling for supremecy in my life. Will I forget? Doubtful, I dream of it even (my messy room really DOES reflect my current emotional state) |
||
| © Copyright 2002 Rhonda Adolph - All Rights Reserved | |||
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
It's good to see you back Rhonda and posting  quote: I like these lines, they are quite strong and It drew me into the poem. quote: I really like these lines but if this was my poem, which it isn't I would move "myself" up a line, like I have done below. quote: To my mind that line sounds better with the pause after "myself" rather than "with". quote: Once again I really like these lines though the wording seems too verbose in places . quote: If this was my baby I would have written it like that, the middle line was too long and wordy in my opinion but the meaning stays the same this way. quote: I really love this line, the question and the answer, it all seems so honest and imho makes for a very interesting read, although maybe I would have been tempted to shift "I dream of it even" down to a new line, as though it's a slow and thoughtful response quote: To be honest I really couldn't get away with this, I like () as a device but here I'm not so sure that they employed well. In my mind this is a bit of a careless ending. "my messy room really" you end the line with "really" and that should really go to the next line, and if you want to capitalise something I think it should be "really", that way the emphasis is in the correct place, then I'd move "my" down of that line onto the next line so as to make all the lines compact. Now as for the final line, well I don't like it at all, it is really too heavy and sounds too forced, I'm not sure what you could do with that line but I'd like to see it re-worded. Anyway I hope you don't think me too harsh, but you've complained at me enough, for not critiquing your work. I really did enjoy reading this poem, so thank you for sharing it with us, oh and welcome back  Andrew Cats playing bagpipes and bugles |
||
|
Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
Yes I did indeed complain *grins* You fixed my poem though, thank you muchly  I guess it wasn't that hopeless after all hehehe "it was cute, it was like he was shy and didn't want to make it too obvious" |
||
|
vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Rhonda~ Nope...not hopeless at all. I enjoyed this one and I can actually relate to the last lines. Whenever I'm stressed out or down about something, it is definately obvious in my housekeeping, or lack there of. I do agree with most of Andrew's suggestions. They just help to tighten up an already enjoyable piece. Hugs, ~Vicky "...until you have read the verse on his heart, |
||
|
quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
dormitory - dirty room. never hopeless, rhonda. good write as usual. be careful, i'm starting to gain some expectations from your work.  /jen/ 'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.' [radiohead] |
||
|
Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
shhh... I ain't here, you never saw me right? *tip toes through to put this in his library* Cats playing bagpipes and bugles |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
