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Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

0 posted 2002-12-15 04:37 PM

water shell tears fall
into a blood pool on the ground
a salty feeling covers me
pain stings me as it seeps into the wound
i can taste the air
as a new rush follows through
lay clinging onto the floor
sharp claws digging in, holding me there
it's the reason i am scared
blue colors slow me down
my breath shortens
everything is getting faster
ears ringing the tolls of years
that life has been silenced to me
denied it no longer
the constant pull of tounge
forcing me to speak words
shine on some, drive pain into others
i hang my head in shame
and go back to silence
for it is the only place
i can find myself

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

rOxXbabY391
Member

since 2002-12-14

Posts 71

1 posted 2002-12-15 04:48 PM

heyYy i really liked your poem
"a salty feeling covers me
pain stings me as it seeps into the wound"
thats really good! :-D
~*~eMiLy~*~

Rainbowdust
Member

since 2002-12-05

Posts 320
Sydney, Australia

2 posted 2002-12-15 05:38 PM

I thought this was beautifully crafted; I could feel every emotion through your words, and the ending was great. You're quickly becoming one of my favourite poets on here!

The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears.

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

3 posted 2002-12-15 09:30 PM

I'll be back to this one, because I can't really comprehend anything that's more complex that "how do I love thee" type stuff right now.
One thing that did catch my eye though (and this will be my only critique) is your tendency to not capitalize your 'i's. It's not that bad because you're pretty consistant with not capitalizing them, but that's just something that I thought I'd point out since it bugs the hell out of me. Do with it what you will though *grins*
Rj

"it was cute, it was like he was shy and didn't want to make it too obvious"
~ Reena
I'm Rhondiforous!

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

4 posted 2002-12-16 03:31 AM

beautifully written riley. loved the imagery and tone of this. one of your better pieces i think. ^^ which isnt saying much because they're usually well written. but i like this one especially, even the title was well thought out.
this line really stuck out to me:

quote:
ears ringing the tolls of years

this is in my library dear. great write.

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

Getting away, isn't Running away.

"The hurt that you try to hide, is killing me."

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

5 posted 2002-12-21 12:25 PM

Riley~
This is quite a powerful piece...much to absorb here.
I've read this a few times now and not sure that
I fully understand the intended meaning, but that's ok.
I like poems that get my attention and make me think,
and this one definately did that.
VERY nicely done.
Hugs,
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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