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Teen Poetry #6
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Monday
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Monday |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571
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I hate Monday The beginning of the end And the end of the beginning Start over Carbon copy Boring remake of last week Want it to end But never begin Begins a new week filled with sin Hateful words cruel actions I hate Monday "Sorry I`m not home right now. I`m walkin in the spiderwebs so leave a message and I`ll call you back." |
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| © Copyright 2002 Allison Colgrove - All Rights Reserved | |||
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NSnaomian Member
since 2002-07-22
Posts 232In my troll closet I be |
Hmm, Interesting. I hate Mondays too. Oh and this was good and kind of funny too Yay Laura "I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful." |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I wrote a poem of the same title, just thought I would share that bit of info. Casey |
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dinky Member
since 2002-10-19
Posts 258 |
hey, i luved this!! i dont really know what to say. and i g2g sry but i will make sure the next reply is longer. ~samantha~ "sometimes i just feel like |
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foreverwithyou Member
since 2002-10-20
Posts 204Wonderland |
"soundz like somebodys got a case of the mondays!" MUHAHAHAHAHAHA yea this was good i really dont like mondayz either and one is coming up  man!!! ok well u no my replies r never long so itz ending here bals ska dot OH yea wait!!! who cares if u wrote a pome of the same title clve527???? ur here to reply not assume that she got the title from u! OVER AND OUT ###CATHY### "I am who I am who I am who am I?" [This message has been edited by foreverwithyou (12-14-2002 02:38 PM).] |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Excuse me? That was rude, and unneeded. Geez. Trying to pick fights are we? Casey [This message has been edited by clve527 (12-14-2002 03:24 PM).] |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Okay, the lack of punctuation made this hard to navigate. But that may have been your intention, but if that is the case what specific purpose does it serve. In a poem of this length, every word and action need to have a specific purpose to benefit the poem. Also, the hate of Monday is a fairly cliche concept. You could try another day of the week, or you could flip it. Also some white space would benefit this poem. I hate Monday {Interesting, but very predictable beginning. I think, since you are likely going to keep this line and concept anyway, that you should put a line break after this line just to give it some type of punch.} The beginning of the end {Very much a cliche line here. When you start with a topic that has been done before, you really need to try and not use cliches within the poem.} And the end of the beginning {You don't give any image to hold onto here. You are telling me something rather than showing it to me, and in a poem like this it hurts not helps.} Start over Carbon copy Boring remake of last week {Why is it a boring remake? Show us something here, give us something to hold onto as a reader.} Want it to end {You are giving partial thoughts for the last four lines, which doesn't aid in the fact that their is no punctuation. Why not try and string them togather somehow?} But never begin Begins a new week filled with sin {Why is it filled with sin?} Hateful words cruel actions I hate Monday {This ending is weak. Why not take the hatred of monday and jump off into something.} Just my suggestions. I think you can construct a much stronger poem, don't sell yourself short with this. Casey |
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Kellie_Cantrell Senior Member
since 2002-05-22
Posts 1667New York |
I really like the perspective about how you don't like mondays. A lot of people can relate. Good Write. |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
Ok thank you all for your opinons..But really Casey..If you don`t want ppl to get so upset with you maybe you should try not to come off as so rude...just a thought...But I also had no idea you also posted a poem of the same title and also it really doesnt matter since I`m sure your poem was SO MUCH BETTER than mine since you had a lot to say about mine... Thanks again for the replies *Allison* |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
I wasn't rude on your poem, I stated that I wrote a poem of the same title. I figured that was okay since I tend to see many people simply gossiping in their replies on poems. But I guess I was wrong. And I never said mine was better. If you won't want to improve as a poet, that's fine, but put that fact in your critique message, because I would rather not use my time critiquing poems of poets who have no desire to improve. Thank you. Casey |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
I never stated that you said that your poem was better than mine..I assumed it probly was since mine had quite a few things wrong with it in your eyes..Ok? So don`t take it personally..I just don`t want people to be hating you on this site cause I know that a lot of people do because of the things you say and the sarcasim you use.. *Allison* "Sorry I`m not home right now. I`m walkin in the spiderwebs so leave a message and I`ll call you back." |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
with all due respect casey, if you find this topic cliched, why did you write a poem with the same title? it reminds me of the tori amos song 'i don't like mondays'. based on a true story. good write, thanks for sharing. /jen/ 'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.' [radiohead] |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
It's not that I think Monday is cliche, I think the hating of monday is cliche. There is a difference, ya know. Casey |
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rOxXbabY391 Member
since 2002-12-14
Posts 71 |
hey i thought this was cute! you should make it longer! and i LIKED your cliche's!! lol my oh my Casey or whoever must have a lot of time on her hands...it was nice of ya to critic but geezlaweez you were kind of mean about it. shes just sharing :-D :-D :-D ~>Emily<~ |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
LOL Rox.. *Allison* "Sorry I`m not home right now. I`m walkin in the spiderwebs so leave a message and I`ll call you back." |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
yes... before you start publicly posting your insults, proofread them. at least you'll have a little more validity. /jen/ 'Christianity is the complete negation of common sense and sound reason.' |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
scratches head and walks away. casey |
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Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
That's not even a sentence, Casey. Geez.  I think everyone needs to just chill. I agree with Casey that writing a poem about hating monday is cliche. Didn't mind the poem so much, but like I've told you before Allison, a poem is all about what you give yourself for subject matter. Maybe if you'd had something a bit less obvious to say about mondays, this might have been a more engaging poem. Just a thought.  Let's all just chill out. Deep breaths, everyone. |
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OtherSideOfTheMirror Member
since 2002-12-19
Posts 245 |
Hey I thought it was cute... not really written to be like the best work ever but still a clever read... Guys chill out she just said she made one of the same title... you can't tell her tone online so just leave her alone... No one wants to be mean here!!! We are family and friends it says it right here on the window!!! Calm down I love you all and you're all talented, even when you use the word Monday as your titles *which im sure a million other talented youths have done*. No cliche... which by the way, I DON'T KNOW THE MEANING OF! Care to inform me? Please? |
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WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
I like this poem, very descriptive in hating mondays lol! Sure it could be longer, but short poems are nice too. Good job! WinterWren |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
were you insulting anyone, casey? not to my knowledge. /jen/ 'Christianity is the complete negation of common sense and sound reason.' |
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Eightfold New Member
since 2002-10-31
Posts 5 |
You guys should lay off casey, she might have been a little harsh, if compared to most peoples bubbly "awesome, i loved it" replies, But in reality they were not. These forums are made for critiquing other poems. And the poet does have a choice to ask for no negative critiques does she not? So its really an open floor, and casey did a very good technical critique with some very good ideas that I am sure although a little hurt, divine will use. (because just reading casey's reply tought me a thing or two about getting a readers attention that i would not have thought about before) aaanyways, I also liked the poem, it reminded me of highschool. Try to ignore casey's upfront side, and try to understand that she put a good deal of effort into that reply, and it was ment as a teaching tool if you want it, not as an insult. People should be able to post their mind here without being all sugery about it, without half the forum flaming him/her. |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Jen, I didn't think it was aimed toward me. I was just wondering what the need was to bring this back up, it hadn't been replied to for quite a while. Casey |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
Personally? For all the cliches, I liked the poem. Cliches have a place in poems about hating Mondays. And can we all just stop bickering? As amusing as it is, this site is for sharing poetry and occasionally critiquing, not having a pop at each other. Although maybe a little politeness in critiques wouldn't go amiss in the case of members who prefer gentle criticism?...... Nice write anyways Allison. Ellie  I'm not dead, OK? I'm just a little electroencephalographically challenged! |
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