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Teen Poetry #6
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Winter Nights
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Winter Nights |
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Marshalzu  
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking 
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Winter Nights The stars at your window, scream to get in, they scratch at the glass and hack at the frame. All they want are your eyes and the beauty inside, but your eyelids are sealed, whilst your drifting in sleep. My Violent Bedtime Stories |
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| © Copyright 2002 Andrew Sewell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Stinky Twinkie Member
since 2002-11-26
Posts 204Dinwiddie |
This one had really strong imagery, especially the lines about the stars trying to get through the window. Good. -Stinky Twinkie- |
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clve527 Member
since 2002-07-08
Posts 200 |
Okay first off I think that there can be so much more to this. You have an almost minimal poem in a completely anti-minimal approach. I can see the hints of you showing images, rather than telling us about some image. BUT you kind of just stop the descriptions. I think you can elaborate and take this poem somewhere. Winter Nights {I think that the title works, but is kind of dull. I know that I am always attracted to poems with eye catching titles.} The stars at your window, {I don't think this comma is needed. Also, just a thought you could personify these stars more. You have hints of personification in the next line when you say they are screaming. Elaborate on that, but be careful in doing so because you may get caught getting to adjective happy.} scream to get in, {Scream how? I can tell you are trying to show me this image, but you leave it hanging there. How do they scream? What does it sound like?} they scratch at the glass {Now you're trapping yourself here. You aren't personifying these stars enough to be human in characteristics. So because of your minimal approach you are losing a lot of opportunities to tie things together.} and hack at the frame. {What does the frame look like? How do the hack? Give me solid images here.} All they want are your eyes {Possibly make this a new stanza.} and the beauty inside, {I think you are getting a little Halmarky here. To avoid that, you need to come up with a more creative thing to say here, and I know you do have more creative things to say here.} but your eyelids are sealed, {I think these last two lines can be worded differently to make it more powerful. But that is my preference.} whilst your drifting in sleep. {Whilst, to be at least, sticks out like a sore thumb.} I didn't really say much about punctuation for a few reasons. #1 I would rather see this rewritten and expanded upon before I do so, because I KNOW that you can make this much more descriptive and, frankly, better. and #2 I don't want to be bombarded with the common why do you care about punctuation questions. So if you would like me to make further suggestions on the punctuation just say so. An overall interesting concept, but I really believe it would be far more appealing if expanded upon. Casey |
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Spine Grinder Senior Member
since 2000-10-28
Posts 1127Standing In Silence... |
i liked this alot Zu, i've always liked your writings so its nothing new lol good job.  Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. |
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WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
Wow, that was REALLY good! I liked that one alot! Another one for my library. WinterWren |
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Rainbowdust Member
since 2002-12-05
Posts 320Sydney, Australia |
On first read, I thought this was one of the sweetest poems I've ever read and wouldn't have suggested you to change a single letter. But after reading Casey's criticism, I can definitely see where he's coming from. I think the thing about being an artist is that you become attached to your work, since you create it.. and any suggestions for change usually don't go down too well. I'd be interested to see if you act on what he said.... it might take this from being a fantastic poem to something spectacular! Great work though! The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears. |
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Kielo Senior Member
since 2002-02-11
Posts 1109 |
 Wonderful imagery! I loved this.  Kielo I know only one thing, and that thing is that I know nothing. |
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Skyfire
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381Riding |
*sits smugly* "wont' benefit" Riiight, Andrew, and you really thought I'd believe that one? *grins* As much as it pains me to say I was wrong, I have to agree with Casey's points... once I managed to read through and understand/compare/contrast what she had written with your poem, I realised that she did indeed, have valid points. You are a very talented writer; listen to her, consider her opinion, and open yourself up to the talent you have. See ya around. |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
quote: First of all thank you, I was really looking for an honest critique on this poem, I really didn’t think this poem was ready, I kept thinking that there was something that hadn’t been said and although I really didn’t think it was ready a friend persuaded me to post it, I guess I’ll not rely on her advice anymore and just go with my gut instinct. quote: I wrote the title after I finished the poem with this one, as the majority was written a while back in a notebook. I normally write a title, then the poem, then I change the title if necessary but with this being newly discovered scribbles it was more than a little hard to get back to the train of thought that I was in. I totally agree with you however, eye catching titles are an excellent way to attract attention to a poem, at the moment however the title will have to stand until I can think of a more appropriate replacement. quote: I was a little unsure about the first comma, I know it’s not right but when I change it, it somehow feels wrong. I guess I’ll experiment with that a little. It’s perfectly correct to say I could personify the stars more but I want to be a little vague about them, I see them here more as monsters and as such don’t want to go too far when describing them in case they lose some of their mystery. quote: I can understand the criticism but I’m not exactly sure how I could rectify it, in my honest opinion if I can get away without describing this, I’d like to, I don’t think it’s necessary to describe it and would much rather have the reader decide on what he/she thinks this looks and sounds like. quote: If they don’t seem human in characteristics then it’s because they are not, the stars are not meant to be human but more animal-like with a sense that they are monsters and not of this world. To repeat what I said before I want to leave this open to interpretation by the reader, I guess it’s an easy way of saying I’m lazy and don’t particularly want to re-write whole lines but I would also like to be able to offer something to all readers and by strictly defining the imagery you take away a lot of the interpretation, I’d like to talk about this more if you think that maybe the poem lacks enough description to create the imagery. quote: I’m a little bit wary about splitting the poem at this point, as I really want to avoid having two quatrains. I would much prefer to indent that line if I had to. You could be right about getting Hallmarky (I might just give them a call), but when it was written it seemed the best way to describe it (If you have any suggestions I would gladly receive them). As for the last two lines I admit that they are a bit weak, but I guess that is from picking the poem up several weeks after the rest was written, I’ll put it on my things to do list and maybe we’ll see a redraft around here. quote: Feel free to add your suggestions on punctuation, if I know it now it means that I don’t have to do another redraft when I present it later. Your suggestions I might add will be received gratefully. If you don’t want to bump the poem up which, I would prefer not to then you can e-mail me at targetmrzu@hotmail.com . Thank you for your time and words Casey, they really are extremely helpful. Andrew My Violent Bedtime Stories Coming Soon? [This message has been edited by Marshalzu (12-11-2002 09:20 AM).] |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
quote: I’m sorry to disappoint you but I meant what I said, this piece was written long before our departure and has nothing to do with it at all. quote: Oh I am well aware of how well Casey has critiqued my poem and thank her greatly for it, I won’t say I agree on all accounts but that if everyone agreed on what they did and did not like poetry would be very bland indeed. Thank you for your reply. Andrew My Violent Bedtime Stories |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
Stinky Twinkie: I am glad you liked the imagery, though your opinion seems to contradict that of others, thank you for that, not to sound mean or bitter but it’s nice to please some people with my work. Spine Grinder: Thank you for your comment’s, I am quite a fan of your work, so I’m glad that you like my work as well. WinterWren: Wow you really flatter me, I’m not sure if I would put this in my own library but I am honoured that you would put it in yours, thank you for replying. Rainbowdust: Thank you for the reply, I’m glad you liked the read “sweetest”, well I’m not too sure about that but I hope to give you something spectacular with a redraft. Kielo: Thank you for your words (and smilies), I’m glad you liked the imagery. Andrew My Violent Bedtime Stories |
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