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Rainbowdust
Member

since 2002-12-05

Posts 320
Sydney, Australia

0 posted 2002-12-06 11:58 PM

"I almost didn't see ya!"
Vending machines vomit food
Mobile phones ring incessantly
Rubbish is left on the table.

Laughter peals as beer cans are opened
Hot food steams and gossip is exchanged
Friendships are born, cemented or annihilated
As the jukebox is fired up.

Pool cues pocket balls,
Fingers are tapping, chairs are scraping and pens are clicking...
And in the corner,
A solitary figure,

Noticed only by this poem.

Stinky Twinkie
Member

since 2002-11-26

Posts 204
Dinwiddie

1 posted 2002-12-07 12:06 PM

Righteous. The "born, cemented, or annihilated" line was awesome. I enjoyed reading this one a lot. It kinda reminded me of a world with no pandas...oh wait, no it didn't. I'm just rambling....

-Stinky Twinkie-

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

2 posted 2002-12-07 02:33 AM

That was really good, I especially liked the end, noticed only by this poem.

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change? -Dishwalla-

Jaime

Registered

Member
Posts 250

3 posted 2002-12-07 11:25 PM

Even though it was in the beginning, the line "I almost didn't see ya!" really brings the poem full circle. Really, it could begin from either end which I think makes it seem more real to life. That sometimes.. there's Only circles.

- Jaime

i was here

[This message has been edited by Jaime (12-07-2002 11:30 PM).]

Rainbowdust
Member

since 2002-12-05

Posts 320
Sydney, Australia

4 posted 2002-12-07 11:35 PM

Thanks for noticing that Jaime... no one else ever has!

The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears.

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

5 posted 2002-12-08 09:47 PM

I liked this a lot! I also loved how you could read it from both ends hehe... thats so neat, I've never seen that done before =P
Good work on this
Laura

"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful."
-Bob Hope-

HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

6 posted 2002-12-08 09:58 PM

Tips? I don't have any here... this was too good. I liked it alot! The end was unexpected, but it gives the whole thing perspective, put's it all into place. Great write!

'Rich

"You can't hurt meee!! 'Cause I've got on my cheeeeese helmet!"

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