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HopelessRomanticGuy
Member

since 2001-08-17

Posts 495
LI, New York

0 posted 2002-12-06 10:11 PM

Hey all!I've suddenly realized that I've got a gread deal of poems I've written just sitting in my notebook.I figured that some of you might want to see them, and I always enjoy reading your thoughts on my writing.So for the next few weeks, I'll be posting them, unedited since I wrote them.There'll probably be a little background to each of them... Like this one.It was written to my most recent ex-girlfriend.Matter of fact, she still has a copy.Well, here it is!
*******************************************************

In your arms I am complete,
the world no longer blue and grey.
I count the minutes 'till again we meet.
You are the star that brightens my day.

This warmth in my heart
I can't deny.
And when were apart
I wish to fly

Quickly to your side,
forever and always.
I walk by and sigh,
hoping for a glimpse of you in the hallways.

These sweet nothings that I write
warm my heart in the dark of night
as my heart is turning blue,
because my heart is missing you.

P.S. - Can anyone help me shorten the last line of the third stanza?

[This message has been edited by HopelessRomanticGuy (12-06-2002 10:12 PM).]

Stinky Twinkie
Member

since 2002-11-26

Posts 204
Dinwiddie

1 posted 2002-12-06 10:55 PM

How about "hoping to see you in the hallways"? That is a little shorter.

-Stinky Twinkie-

Rainbowdust
Member

since 2002-12-05

Posts 320
Sydney, Australia

2 posted 2002-12-06 11:00 PM

Hi Rich,

I really appreciated your comments on Limbo, so thanks for taking the time to read.

I liked this one of yours too (though not as much as Razor Words), especially the transition between the second and third stanzas! And in my opinion the abab rhyming scheme is the hardest to write, so you've definitely got my admiration!

As for the last line of the third stanza, maybe you could change "forever and always" to something rhyming with "hall" and change the last line to "hoping to glimpse you in the hall"? Or even adding a single word to each line might make the length of the last line less noticeable. I dunno.. lol.. I'm probably not helping!

I was also thinking in the very last line, you could make it something like
"as my heart is turning blue,
because my dear, it's missing you." or something like that to get rid of the repetition of "my heart"?

Anyway, I hope I wasn't too harsh; keep the poems coming, I really look forward to reading them!

The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears.

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

3 posted 2002-12-07 01:08 AM

And she's your EX? But seriously it was a very good poem, as usual coming from you.

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change? -Dishwalla-

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

4 posted 2002-12-07 05:29 PM

SHE IS NUTS! LOL..Ok but anyway..This was really good. I would help you out but I probably..wouldn`t be much help..Yea...But good one.
*Allison*

Smoothy
Member

since 2002-12-02

Posts 119
The dark side of the moon

5 posted 2002-12-07 06:25 PM

Dude, if I knew you were this mushy a few months ago I probably would've poured sawdust on you as a joke. Good write as usual.

Love conquers all, so I must be in a losing battle.

xxxnuttyangelxxx
Member

since 2002-12-06

Posts 72
New York

6 posted 2002-12-08 10:10 PM

*quote*
-These sweet nothings that I write
warm my heart in the dark of night-

Great lines
This was a fantastic poem hope to see more of your writing.. Thank you for giving your time to read my work. hope to see much more of your writings.. thanks again

shea--

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