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Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

0 posted 2002-11-24 05:26 PM

Skin Deep

Skin ripping daggers
ripping open the veins
all over my face
hope you like
the new disfigured me
it was costly
but I like the look

stand back
while i tell you my lies
and I take in all of their stares
don't pretend
it's not me they see
but some monster
wearing my disguise.

Insert Sig here

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

1 posted 2002-11-24 09:40 PM

havent read from you in awhile zu, missed your work. really liked this alot. it seemed to have alot of hostile energy, pent up anger, and i really liked that. almost as if you were calling someones bluff, like youre better than them. very strong write. i enjoyed this alot. keep writing and posting andrew.

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

Getting away, isn't Running away.

"The hurt that you try to hide, is killing me."

Android 17

Senior Member

since 2001-07-21

Posts 664
Winnipeg

2 posted 2002-11-24 10:53 PM

Hmmmm...by the sounds of it, you're agitated. And PO'd...

I've always been a fan of your vivid imagery, which usually relates to things fairly morbid. Lol

Rayndpnugah; ruf luimt E ajan pa cu cdibet...

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

3 posted 2002-11-24 11:17 PM

You know I like. Keep writing, or I will beat you with a feather

No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot.
~ Arthur (Monty Python Search for the Holy Grail)

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

4 posted 2002-11-25 05:02 PM

Andrew~
Such an intense and emotional write this is,
and you've expressed it in a very powerful manner.
VERY well penned.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

branden726

Senior Member

since 2000-09-25

Posts 607
Bay City, MI

5 posted 2002-11-25 05:06 PM

zu you write so... well how do i put in a different perspective i dont really understand it myself but im sure its good just as was everything u wrote in the old days.

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

6 posted 2002-11-25 05:43 PM

quote:
zu you write so... well how do i put in a different perspective i dont really understand it myself but im sure its good just as was everything u wrote in the old days.

I guess I'll take that as a compliment

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

7 posted 2002-11-28 10:43 PM

wow...this reminded me of something i can't remember..lol i did like this though

What You Can't Have- You Can't Resist

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

8 posted 2002-11-28 10:52 PM

wow, just wow

riley

Morning mist clings to my face, and my soul opens up to you......

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

9 posted 2002-12-10 06:36 PM

interesting.

this is a twist for you zu, and i like it.

i did feel it could use a little editing. i'm not why you didn't capitalize the i in the second line of the second stanza, typo?

and i believe that

quote:
and I take in all of their stares

would work much better if you removed the i from that line.

i hate to say this, but you know my criticism is meant with the best of intentions. i do believe a little more punctuation would be welcome in this piece. i've always been a little sticky about that. not overly anal-retentive. i just think it adds to the piece.

these are some very powerful words here. it does hits home, you know, if i had one.

believe it or not, i can actually relate. heh.

excellent.

/jen/

'i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control. i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.' [radiohead]

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

10 posted 2002-12-10 06:42 PM

Wow, I really like your work, and this was no exception. Very good. I especially liked the last lines "but some monster wearing my disguise."

WinterWren
"I want you to believe in life. Will you find out who you are too late, to change? -Dishwalla-

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

11 posted 2002-12-11 09:42 AM

quote:

i did feel it could use a little editing. i'm not why you didn't capitalize the i in the second line of the second stanza, typo?

I agree totally, the “i” in the second line of the second stanza should be capitalized; I’m going to blame it on the gnomes who forced me to post the poem before proof reading.

quote:

and i believe that
[quote]

and I take in all of their stares

would work much better if you removed the i from that line.[/quote]

Oh…. I like. I see what you mean, it sounds so much better without that extra “I”, expect to see that in a re-draft.

quote:
i hate to say this, but you know my criticism is meant with the best of intentions. i do believe a little more punctuation would be welcome in this piece. i've always been a little sticky about that. not overly anal-retentive. i just think it adds to the piece.

I hate reading about punctuation, actually no, you are totally correct this piece could use punctuation but I’m not comfortable using it but that’s another story.

quote:
these are some very powerful words here. it does hits home, you know, if i had one. believe it or not, i can actually relate. heh.

excellent.

Thank you, this is what makes it all worth while, knowing that you can touch or make one person relate to something that you feel.

Andrew

smurf_gurl
Junior Member

since 2003-01-20

Posts 19
US of A

12 posted 2003-01-20 09:38 PM

Hello again, Andrew. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm looking up the poems I missed by you in my long...long...LONG absence.

Still the same old you, I noticed. Still writing poetry as well as you used to, and still about the same depressing things as you used to. Rock on little man, because you're really good at what you do.
~Stace

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

13 posted 2003-01-25 09:31 PM

you've gotta love receiving constructive criticism regarding proofreading when the person didn't proofread themselves.

i feel a tad foolish. heh.

/jen/

'Christianity is the complete negation of common sense and sound reason.'
-- Mikhail Bakunin

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

14 posted 2003-01-26 04:55 PM

Heh thanks for the reply Stace

I wouldn't worry about the replies, I expect less people read them that read my writing

EleanorMoonbaby
Member

since 2002-09-02

Posts 202
England, UK

15 posted 2003-01-26 04:58 PM

I'm sure there was a hidden meaning here, but I can't for the life of me think what. Having said that, I liked it. Great imagery here

Ellie the Stupid

I'm not dead, OK? I'm just a little electroencephalographically challenged!

Marshalzu

Member Elite

since 2001-02-15

Posts 2681
Lurking

16 posted 2003-01-26 05:37 PM

Hey thanks for the reply Ellie, I can't remember writing in any hidden meaning, so I wouldn't call you stupid, thats unless you can find a hidden meaning

Andrew

My Violent Bedtime Stories

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

17 posted 2003-01-27 07:38 AM

Can I find a hidden meaning and morph it into something it isn't???

Now in all seriousness [scream...now] this really came across as quite intense. Somebody has done something and I hope you gave them something to think about. I loved the imagery simply for the fact that I enjoy seeing veins ripped open etc. Sick? Not at all.

It's short and sweet and most morbid. For that I love it. Thanks for posting, it was much enjoyed.

~AF~

"Write something, even if it's just a suicide note." -- Gore Vidal

PoetryIsLife

Senior Member

since 2001-10-27

Posts 1763
...in my boxers...

18 posted 2003-01-28 12:22 PM

"but some monster
wearing my disguise."

Zu, surprised I never read this. Not sure while, actually.

I'm curious, if you now look like 'some monstor', how could you ever be confused for a monstor wearing your disguise? A disfigured you?

Hmm.. did I say that write? You tell us/we/the readers not to lie and say they see only a monstor wearing your disguise, and not you. Therefore, the truth is that they see you. But don't you know look like a monstor, a disfigured you? So aren't you and the monstor one and the same?

That's the main thing that popped into my head, dude. Other then that, I enjoyed the read. Did last time I read, when I failed to reply for some random reason.

~Titus

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
--Aldous Huxley

[This message has been edited by PoetryIsLife (01-28-2003 12:25 AM).]

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