[[[the cat's meow]]] challenge #3

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quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

0 posted 2002-11-20 11:31 PM

Down the hall
and around that endless corner
there’s this girl -
her faced etched in the
timeless brimstone.
Forced lines
shattering the echoes
with her scowl,
smelling sweetly
of sour and everything
you envy.

You’ve added her name
to that scratch pad list of
girls you hate.
[So far she’s the only one.]
But yet she chuckles
and grows -
bathing in your abomination.

You don’t know who she
really is.

And one day you think,
you hope/pray/beg
that things are over and you
can sleep at night and you
have made her list.
[Want to be my henchman?]
Can't read between the lines.
‘So are we friends now?’

She smiles a spurious
coyness
drowned in your frailty,
her heart of yesterday’s
sickened vodka.

We all have to get through the
days somehow.

[[[ok, so i got a little carried away.  i'll try again later.]]]

/jen/

i'm so bitterly disappointed.  betty, i think it's time you leave now.

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (11-21-2002 12:27 PM).]

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

1 posted 2002-11-21 02:37 AM

I just dropped the paper I was holding. Wow. I don't know what else to say... wow...

knightlyshadows
Senior Member

since 2001-04-14

Posts 791
obscured vision

2 posted 2002-11-21 01:49 PM

you always use such interestingly vivid desciptions. this seemed just... brimming with sarcastic superiority(sp). and i loved it. this is going into my library just for the imagery it has. marvelous write. you always impress with your originality. loved it all, but this one lil bit really stood out to me:

quote:
with her scowl,
smelling sweetly
of sour and everything
you envy.

love the smart-ass tones you use.

“A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.”

Getting away, isn't Running away.

"The hurt that you try to hide, is killing me."

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

3 posted 2002-11-21 04:14 PM

(edited by moderator)

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

[This message has been edited by vlraynes (11-21-2002 10:02 PM).]

Ina
Senior Member

since 2000-10-09

Posts 1236
Quebec, Canada

4 posted 2002-11-21 09:42 PM

this was good, it was like a smak in the face to those idiot ppl. great write

regina

aaron woodside
Member

since 2001-09-26

Posts 256

5 posted 2002-11-23 02:18 AM

One of my old favorites, glad to see your still here. I liked the almost arrogant tone throughout the piece. It fit the poem really well.

"And one day you think,
you hope/pray/beg
that things are over and you
can sleep at night and you
have made her list.
[Want to be my henchman?]
Can't read between the lines.
‘So are we friends now?’"

Friends after these things seem so rare, glad I've been fortunate with a few of mine who are now among my closest friends.

It's great as usual.

ex animo,
Aaron

There are no great men, only men in great circumstances.

CloudedDreams
Member

since 2002-11-23

Posts 210
My Fantasy Realm

6 posted 2002-11-23 04:46 PM

This is AWESOME---I really was swept in the intenseness and anger, and the feeling of how sweet revenge can be. A great write..Keep it up ^.^

Yes there will be tommorrow, but will you be there to greet it?

lildevil
Junior Member

since 2002-11-21

Posts 47
missouri,usa

7 posted 2002-11-23 09:27 PM

IT WAS GOOD BUT I MUST NOT BE READING THE ANGER OR SARCASISM THAT EVERY ONE ELSE IS SAYINGBUT IT IS STILL GOOD NONE THE LESS

quietlydying

Senior Member

since 2001-06-10

Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

8 posted 2002-11-24 12:16 PM

when you type entirely in caps lock it has a tendency to mean that you're yelling.

/jen/

i'm so bitterly disappointed. betty, i think it's time you leave now.

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (11-24-2002 12:17 AM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

9 posted 2002-11-24 02:13 AM

jen, sometimes I think you literally DO need to be "carried away."

Kielo
Senior Member

since 2002-02-11

Posts 1109

10 posted 2002-11-24 03:01 PM

I thought I replied to this. This is what happens when I read poetry after I'm sleeping on my ... chair. Anyway, I loved this. Well done.

Kielo

According to statistics, a man eats a prune every twenty seconds. I don't know who this fellw is, but I know where to find him.
-Morey Amsterdam

Android 17

Senior Member

since 2001-07-21

Posts 664
Winnipeg

11 posted 2002-11-24 03:35 PM

What?! I thought I replied to this already...Hmmmm.

I liked the sarcasm here! It added kinda of...a punky flavour to the poem! I like, I like!!! This poem barely scratches a sliver of who you are. *nods*

Rayndpnugah; ruf luimt E ajan pa cu cdibet...

k2tomtom21k
New Member

since 2002-11-18

Posts 9

12 posted 2002-11-24 06:39 PM

I dig. I dig. Moments were sketchy. You wrote well though.

anonymousfemale
Member Elite

since 2000-02-02

Posts 2797
Limbo

13 posted 2002-11-25 02:59 PM

It was read and will be replied to in more detail at a later date. You never cease to amaze me, girl. It's truly wonderful.

the anonymous one

Don't steal - the Government hates competition.

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

14 posted 2002-11-25 06:52 PM

Jen~
Carried away, or not, I really like this.
Your words are so full of depth and intensity.
Once again, you have amazed and impressed me.
VERY well done, and a great response to the challenge.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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