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LCBS
Senior Member

since 2001-11-29

Posts 532
Connecticut

0 posted 2002-11-19 06:01 PM

There’s an angel on both shoulders
But no God to pull the strings
He’s out crying for dead soldiers
And he’s giving them their wings
But a battles being fought
On my own holy land
The forces are distraught
They’re too weak to take a stand
One sides fighting for the truth
The other for what’s right
They’re battling with youth
Praying straight through the night
They’re shaking from the cold
Hidden deep within their veins
Fulfill orders as they’re told
Abandoning brother’s remains
Both sides lose to cold and need
Ditches now lay still and haunted
The soldiers beg just to bleed
Is this what the angels wanted?
There’s an angel on both shoulders
God’s hands are now outstretched
To a graveyard of dead soldiers
And my scars that they have etched

(I really tried to get out what I was feeling, but it didn't work. I'm sure a lot of you have been, or will be, in my situation. I'm stuck between doing what I know is right, and hurting a friendship.The battle that Im fighting right now within my mind and heart has no "evil" side, and I just dont know what to do. Feel free to rip this one apart {LP Im looking at you} because I myself hate it...but can you throw in a word of encouragment in there, because right now I really need it)

~Lis

[This message has been edited by LCBS (11-19-2002 06:03 PM).]

wvplayernotreally
Member

since 2002-11-06

Posts 215
yakima wa

1 posted 2002-11-19 07:18 PM

I actually really liked this piece. And yet in deals with eternal conflict you can't help but get a picture brewing in your mind about the scenery you described.Hey whatever is happening with you its going to be okay. Whether you see it that way or not its all going to play out. Hope to see more from you!

" I think I got a tan from the light in which i was basking."

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

2 posted 2002-11-19 07:25 PM

This is one of the best poems I have read in a long time. The beginning was very strong, it grabbed my attention and somehow managed to keep it until the very end. There is only one point of weakness I see, and that is the line
"Praying straight through the night"
For some reason, that line threw the flow off as I read it, whether that's just me or the poem, I am not sure, but read it aloud to yourself and see if you notice it, too. The only other thing I noticed was that your last line seemed somehow off. I cannot really pinpoint it, but it was something in the wording.
All of that included, I think you did a terrific job on this. It is one of my favorites and is to be added to the library! I thank you greatly for sharing and hope to see more of this quality in the near future.
~Sky
PS I hope you are doing alright. Just remember that where you are now is exactly where you are meant to be. It will get better in time, so just keep your head up. You can email me if you ever need to talk!

"Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, but now I'm on my knees again" -Creed

[This message has been edited by Savage Quiescence (11-19-2002 07:29 PM).]

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

3 posted 2002-11-20 02:29 PM

*hugs* email me sometime, I don't like it when you're feeling like this

I don't feel I have the expertise to rip this apart the way that you want us to, so I won't. I will say, though, that sometimes metaphors don't work all that well to get out what we're feeling

I am a Knight who says Ni!

xShUgArHiGhx

Member Elite

since 2000-09-26

Posts 3150
tRyIn tO fIt iN2 mY oWn ShoEs

4 posted 2002-11-20 10:41 PM

I liked how you worded this poem...i really enjoyed it even if it wasnt exactly getting across what you wanted to say word for word. I hope that your situation ends well...good luck..

Standing on the edge of the world
Now I don’t want you to catch me
I want you to let me
Stand up here and walk on my own

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

5 posted 2002-11-25 12:32 PM

Lisa~
This is a well written piece.
There is a lot of emotion wrapped up in your words,
and you've expressed it in a powerful way.
I'm glad to see that you are writing out your feelings,
whether metaphorical or not.
I wish you the best.
Hugs,
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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