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Teen Poetry #6
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brian's poem
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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brian's poem |
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boy and his spirit Junior Member
since 2002-08-26
Posts 41within my heart |
as entrering your shallow pool of friendship had to swim through your river of lies climbed the mountains of make believe made a naked discovery underneath a sentimental charm found a frail trembled emotion grown from a peculiar frustration you had transformed endorsements which caused exotic behavior kinds of vain condolences powerful entrancing deceptions your body was an anxious cylinder that caught us in your wordless conditioning. |
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| © Copyright 2002 Bertram Frûnksëm - All Rights Reserved | |||
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wvplayernotreally Member
since 2002-11-06
Posts 215yakima wa |
Alright if this was about you your a deep confusing person. don't worry not bad...its refreshing. hope to see more " I think I got a tan from the light in which i was basking." |
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snoduck Member
since 2002-11-15
Posts 99Selah, WA |
Wow that person did a number on you. I really liked reading that. I hope to see more stuff from you soon. -Erica- |
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dinky Member
since 2002-10-19
Posts 258 |
hey, i decided to take ur advice and i'm glad that i did! it was really good hope u post more soon ~samantha~ "sometimes i just feel like |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
a nice little rant. it was interesting, especially the last couplet in bold. however the begining was terribly weak, having three cliches off the bat. -majnu |
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devinechild22 Senior Member
since 2002-08-28
Posts 571 |
I think that this was awesome...! But I beg to differ with you "majnu" I think that her first statements were very imaginative and unique....Just what I think...Don`t take it personally.. *Allison* |
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cherish Senior Member
since 2001-03-25
Posts 1639swimming in fairy floss........... |
WOAH!! hahahaa....oh man...has Brian seen this?  *rubs hands together* I'd like to see a response  Are you scared? |
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Savage Quiescence Member
since 2002-07-29
Posts 326Wandering |
Personally, I found that the beginning held onto my attention more strongly than the ending, but then again, I have a short attention span. Seems like you started off on one path then switched directions a little too quickly (in leaving behind the entire picture you were painting). But I still think it is a good piece that could be even better. Thanks for sharing! ~Sky "Whatever life brings, I've been through everything, but now I'm on my knees again" -Creed |
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aaron woodside Member
since 2001-09-26
Posts 256 |
Hope you don't mind my 2 cents Boy. I liked the first stanza, but not much of the rest. It used too many big words. I mean it seemed as if you were trying to convey just your vocabulary, instead of any sort of emotion. On the other hand the first stanza, I liked, and I did not think it was cliched. Aaron Woodside There are no great men, only men in great circumstances. |
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quietlydying
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935the wonderful land of oz |
there was no substance to this piece at all. "critique away!!!!!" ok... you didn't convey any emotion in this piece whatsoever. and i must agree with aaron. you're trying to hide your poetic shortcomings behind ten minutes with a thesaurus. there was no thought put into this rushed piece, and no flavour. nothing to keep the reader interested. you tried too hard to impress [or insult, whatever] instead of expressing your true feelings. /jen/ i'm so bitterly disappointed. betty, i think it's time you leave now. |
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BOO! Are you now?
