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Passions in Poetry

When I Saw You

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Sweetpoet16m4u04
Member
since 11-10-2002
Posts 160
Ma, U.S.A


0 posted 11-15-2002 06:45 PM       View Profile for Sweetpoet16m4u04   Email Sweetpoet16m4u04   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Sweetpoet16m4u04


When I Saw You...

When I saw you,
I couldn't stop thinking about us becoming a pair.
When I saw you,
I felt a special need to care.

When I saw you,
It's like nobody else is around.
When I saw you,
My heart it began to pound.

When I saw you,
I got lost in a trance.
When I saw you,
I said why can't you just give me a chance.

When I saw you,
I knew I wouldn't let harm come your way.
When I saw you,
You seemed to take my breath away.

When I saw you,
At that last dance.
When I saw you,
I came to realize that it was with you I want true romance.
© Copyright 2002 Sweetpoet16m4u04 - All Rights Reserved
clve527
Member
since 07-08-2002
Posts 202


1 posted 11-15-2002 07:34 PM       View Profile for clve527   Email clve527   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for clve527

I am not a rhyming poet so others that are may come in and contradict me, but it would be better if the line lengths were slightly more uniform.  And the rhymes were almost painfully forced.

Casey
Riley
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Senior Member
since 07-18-2002
Posts 1122
in the pouring rain


2 posted 11-16-2002 10:14 AM       View Profile for Riley   Email Riley   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Riley

Eh...I don't know if I liked the repeating of When I Saw You...in my opion ( sp ) it kinda took away from the poem having it repeated every other line. Maybe like every three or four lines would work but um....I dunno. Maybe work on this and revise it a little and you can make the lines even out with the rhyming and all. Well anyways thanks for the read.


Riley

~*I found how to laugh, forgot how to smile, somehow your words, make it all worthwhile*~

boy and his spirit
Junior Member
since 08-26-2002
Posts 44
within my heart


3 posted 11-17-2002 12:19 AM       View Profile for boy and his spirit   Email boy and his spirit   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for boy and his spirit

I dont really enjoy the title... it was too obvious. but the rest was okay. if you like it like that.
Peach
Junior Member
since 11-17-2002
Posts 34


4 posted 11-17-2002 04:56 PM       View Profile for Peach   Email Peach   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Peach

I agree that the rhyming seemed forced, but the message of the poem was great. I really enjoyed it and could relate to it. Good job!

If don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member
since 11-27-2003
Posts 991
nowhere special


5 posted 01-20-2004 11:07 PM       View Profile for kissa~rachelle   Email kissa~rachelle   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for kissa~rachelle

Eh..i didnt really..No, i am just kidding. I loved this one too. Imagine taht!lol It was sweet, and romantic. I think that you should give this to whoever you wrote it about! But make sure she is sitting down, dont want her falling and hurting herself! lol cant wait to hear more!
~kissa~

**~kissa~**
*I wanna be a little more like me, and a little less like YOU!*~ Linkin Park

 
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