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Kevin

Senior Member

since 1999-11-02

Posts 729
Torrington, Ct, Usa

0 posted 2002-11-10 01:36 AM

A saint
but not inside
restraint
personified
awaiting
all the lies
to break down
through these eyes
each day’s
a tear I’ve tried
to say
but couldn’t cry
and they
don’t look inside
but hey
they call this life
so go

move on, you’re grown
move on to the alone
move on to what they’ve known
but kept within their own
to save you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I haven't been around the world
But I've been around the block
And I haven't seen it all
But I've seen enough to talk
~AR

[This message has been edited by Kevin (11-10-2002 01:53 AM).]

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2002-11-10 01:51 AM

Love it, Kevin... you have such a fast flow in your poetry, I love the way you've been using meter and rhyme lately to speed the reading of your poetry right up. Not that I'm exactly waiting for it to end or anything... heh...

quote:
move on you’re grown
move on to the alone

This is the only part I think needs a bit of work. In order for the flow to stay consistent, a pause is necessary between "move on you're grown." An entire iamb is missing... but it would work just fine if there was a line break after "move on," or at least a comma or something to keep the reader from having to reread in order to stay within the flow.

Otherwise, very skillfully written, Kevin. Always a treat to see your name in here.

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

anya
Member

since 2002-07-27

Posts 393
London, UK

2 posted 2002-11-10 06:42 AM

Yeah I enjoyed this very much Kevin, as Parasite said the flow and format worked realy well,

Anya

LoveBug

Moderator

Member Elite

since 2000-01-08

Posts 4697

3 posted 2002-11-10 12:01 PM

Hiya... this is a really good piece. I especailly enjoyed your beginning:

A saint
but not inside
restraint
personified

That portion just really jumped out at me... the rest of the poem is very good as well! Great job.

Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

4 posted 2002-11-10 02:04 PM

WOW! Good job!

This is one of your best..I think...I loved the flow..Great one..

*Allison*

devinechild22
Senior Member

since 2002-08-28

Posts 571

5 posted 2002-11-10 09:10 PM

Would you like me if I looked like that? LOL
*Allison*

dinky
Member

since 2002-10-19

Posts 258

6 posted 2002-11-10 10:01 PM

this was good
it flowed really good
~sam~

LCBS
Senior Member

since 2001-11-29

Posts 532
Connecticut

7 posted 2002-11-10 10:05 PM

Uh-oh Allison found the graphics, this is bad! Kev I liked this one a lot...good rhythm and the rhyming was great..

~Lisa

Sweetpoet16m4u04
Member

since 2002-11-10

Posts 153
Ma, U.S.A

8 posted 2002-11-10 10:09 PM

Hey man that was a really good poem. It's great to see other guys like me write this stuff. Really nice man keep it up.

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

9 posted 2002-11-11 08:34 AM

Good job Kevin. * looks at Allison * okkkkkk.....whatever...Any ways good job.

Ri

~*I found how to laugh, forgot how to smile, somehow your words, make it all worthwhile*~

vlraynes
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-25

Posts 8229
Somewhere... out there...

10 posted 2002-11-14 03:37 PM

Kevin~
This is a very well written piece.
I very much enjoyed reading this and it
flows beautifully. Enjoyed the message as well.
Wonderfully done.
~Vicky
"...until you have read the verse on his heart,
you have not truly met the poet.
~vlraynes

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