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palmerj
Junior Member

since 2002-11-06

Posts 30
Coxsackie, NY

0 posted 2002-11-07 03:51 PM

I wrote this one this morning.

A Bleeding Heart

A bleeding heart controls me
Doing all of which is wrong.
A bleeding heart controls me
Listen to it's song.

It needs to get away
Far from this hated place.
It needs to get away
Leaving not a trace.

Never coming back
Not even for goodbyes.
Never coming back
It's a pain that never dies.

Now it's off searching
For a love that will care.
Now it's off searching
Forgetting you were there.

Listen to the song
It needs for you to see.
Listen to the song
It needs to be set free.

[This message has been edited by palmerj (11-07-2002 04:01 PM).]

dinky
Member

since 2002-10-19

Posts 258

1 posted 2002-11-07 03:59 PM

hey,
i really like this one especially how u reapeat the lines in the paragraph but have the other 2 rhyme it is really kool and makes perfect sense
and i really like poems that rhyme too
cant wait to read more
~sam~

"sometimes i just feel like
quittin i still might
why do i put up this fight?
why do i still write?
sometimes its hard enough just dealin with re

NSnaomian
Member

since 2002-07-22

Posts 232
In my troll closet I be

2 posted 2002-11-07 07:03 PM

I kind of know what this is saying...That your heart goes on with its own mind, even if your mind doesn't agree...Am I right? Just wondering. Anyhooo! I liked reading this, I'm not much for rhyming but this one stood out. WooWoo!

Laura

"I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful."
-Bob Hope-

palmerj
Junior Member

since 2002-11-06

Posts 30
Coxsackie, NY

3 posted 2002-11-07 08:06 PM

Laura you hit that right on the nose. Im glad you all liked it. Its weird if that is your last name laura in your username I know someone with your exact name. Kinda scary

Skyfire

Member Elite

since 2000-12-27

Posts 3381
Riding

4 posted 2002-11-07 10:02 PM

Hmmm... I like it, but I think that the repeated lines took something away from it. That's just me though

I do like it, and I'm glad to see you posting around here

I'm so cute!

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

5 posted 2002-11-08 08:36 AM

Hey Jay

Taking my advice

...told ja it would work huh. This is pretty good. I liked how you took the words and spaced them, instead of putting it in a big jumble. I'm to much of a blonde to read all of that. :P And you rhymed, and I don't read much rhyme, but I liked this one. It didn't sound to forced so it sounded alright.

See ya around Jay,

Riley

~*Pain strikes my heart, water drips down my face, I now stand in front of you, full of shame and disgrace*~

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

6 posted 2002-11-15 12:30 PM

Not bad. I like the choice of format, with the repeated lines alternating with the rhymed ones.

Good work.

Parasite

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
~Aldous Huxley

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