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Teen Poetry #6
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Bleeding...
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Bleeding... |
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SuperSonic Junior Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 16Northern Ireland |
Bleeding Everyone is bleeding Bleeding their hatred over my face Pleading I just keep on pleading Pleading with myself to take me from this place Dreaming Fast asleep and dreaming Dreaming of my body hitting the floor Screaming How my mind is screaming Screaming that I’m not human anymore Depraved A life of being depraved Depraved by people whom I love Enslaved Forever to be enslaved Enslaved to be watched from high above Crying Reddened eyes from crying Crying out against a fathers will Dying Very slowly dying Dying for the pleasure of the kill |
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| © Copyright 2002 Simon Bell - All Rights Reserved | |||
Local Parasite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527Transylconia, Winnipeg |
I really like the way you formatted this, SuperSonic. The way the rhymes ran together gave the flow a lot of work to do... I honestly think the flow could be improved if, on your longer lines, you kept them trimmed to about three or four feet in length. Ya know, count the stressed syllables, read it through yourself. See when the flow dictates a move into the next line? I felt myself dwelling too long on the longer lines when they could have been shorter and helped the flow through this unique structure. Just my opinion. Great writing, nonetheless. Parasite |
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knightlyshadows Senior Member
since 2001-04-14
Posts 791obscured vision |
I liked this alot SuperSonic. the flow was pretty good and i really liked the rhyming you had going. hm as for the title, i would name it something else myself, something not mentioned in the poem itself because "bleeding" is sort of expected. but thats just my opinion. great write non-the-less. oh and as for LP, i agree a bit that those lines could be shortened for better flow, but i still liked it as is.  quote:^fav bit. write more, post more. “A single choice can build destinies, or destroy them.” Getting away, isn't Running away. "The hurt that you try to hide, is killing me." [This message has been edited by knightlyshadows (11-07-2002 01:19 AM).] |
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SuperSonic Junior Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 16Northern Ireland |
Thanks for the advice guys! BTW just a bit of a pointless factoid but you can kinda use these as alternative lyrics to the Offspring song, 'Feelings'. |
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Darkness Member
since 2002-10-17
Posts 202The place just beyond my eyes, where my spirit flies. |
Great poem I loved it!! I liked the flow and yeah when I was reading it it did sound like you could put it with some music and have a good song. Write on... Supersonic Darkness |
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